Surviving the Workday

Dear Ms. Theologian,

My partner is an adjunct professor teaching at a big state school in a department that has a reputation for being really good in his field. His course evaluations were mixed, but some of them were not good at all. His theory is that this is because he is a hard(er) professor - he insists that students read, will not tell them exactly what will be on the tests (as in giving them a “study sheet” and  saying “10 of these 30 questions will be on the test” which is very common), and in general tries to insist that students take an active role in learning rather than sit there like passive little zombies while he pours information into their heads. He teaches adjunct at another place and they are super-supportive of trying to keep grade inflation down and insisting to students that they must read and study to get good grades, so he knows that some schools are supportive of this approach even if the students get lower grades/are more indignant about having to work hard.

 He works very hard at developing good pedagogies, interesting approaches, works hard to learn students names, and is very friendly and supportive to students - in short, he is clearly not a bad professor. The department chair believes that student evaluations are a direct reflection of how well a professor is teaching, rather than acknowledging that the easier and more fun a class is, often the better the evaluations. No one from the department has ever visited his class to see how he teaches. They have insisted that his evaluations need to be better or he cannot teach there anymore. There was also mention that students need to like the classes a lot so that the department can get more majors (= more funding). We have decided together that this is not a good place for him since it seems that the priority is good evaluations (= easier tests, less pressure to read) rather than keeping grade inflation in check and students actually learning something. My question is, how to submit a resignation letter? I say that he should gently explain his reasons for quitting, in part so that he can tell this to future employers in explaining why references probably won’t be stellar from this school. He says he should just say he has a schedule conflict and it is too far of a drive (it is a very long commute).

Thoughts? 

Signed, 

Academic Workplace Conundrum

Dear Academic Workplace Conundrum,

First, please observe the restraint with which Ms. Theologian is not launching into a full-fledged rant on The Academy. Because somewhere up there in the sky, she is accumulating brownie points for not pointing out how The Academy is now run like The Corporate Empire complete with customer surveys and profit margins.

Whoops.

When we leave a job, it is natural to want to tell the truth about why we’re leaving in a gentle or not-so-gentle fashion, what an asshole Grizelda is to her customers, how Stanley wastes his time and is paid twice as much as we are, that Philomena always cuts out early, and that we really could thrive in a place that properly appreciated us. It is natural to want to say all sorts of things, but usually we don’t. Why? Because we sense that often we just need to clear out. We sense that the system can’t be fixed by our parting truths. We know that our bodies instinctively understand self-protection even when our brains cry out for truth.

Ms. Theologian has consulted with the three academics from state universities, who have expressed sympathy for the all-too-common situation, understood the need to construct a scheduling conflict, and given encouragement to not take any more courses from this place. However, they all do not think that this information can be conveyed “gently” to those in charge and side with your partner’s scheduling conflict excuse (or no excuse at all). Just back slowly and quietly away.

Ms. Theologian does not think your partner is under any moral obligation as adjunct faculty to inform anyone of anything. In fact, she thinks that those in charge understand completely what they are doing, and that it is gross, and that they are doing it anyway. She is depressing herself as she types this, but she recognizes this more and more. People intentionally do the wrong thing all the time. It is easy to think that someone who appears to do something morally bankrupt  just doesn’t have the information that you do. And maybe they don’t. But often they do, and they have just made different choices (e.g., to value student evaluations over all other types of assessments of performance).

Lastly, Ms. Theologian would like to point out that giving a study guide with possible exam questions on it is not the end of the world pedagogically. She points this out as a former high school teacher, as someone who has most of a master’s degree in education, as someone who has been employed in educational publishing for more than a decade. Student evaluations as primary indicators of professor performance? They will not go away. They will spread from the public to private institutions. So Ms. Theologian suggests that if a study guide, which identifies and links big and main ideas to one another, some of which will be tested, makes a difference in student learning, then perhaps it is not a bad idea to experiment with it to find a way that works for everyone.

-Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you’d like to write to Ms. Theologian, send an email with “ask Ms. Theologian” in the subject line to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.

Dear Ms. Theologian,

The father of one of my employees is dying. He lives in the area so the funeral will surely be local (I have never met him.) What are my duties as her manager to attend the wake/funeral/viewing/whatever? It seems to be common at this company to email funeral details to the department at large, but I am not so sure how many people from the company actually attend. I will say that I am a migrant from the West Coast and over there, such attendance was not at all expected. I’m not so sure if it is expected on the East Coast. I will of course circulate a card, but do I need to attend the wake (or whatever) as the manager of this employee, in addition to the emotional support I am already providing?Signed,

Setting aside the East Coast v. West Coast funeral behavior (interesting in and of itself), and focusing on the question at hand:

Should you attend the funeral for the father of one of your employees?

Yep.

Why? Because it’s erring on the side of kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion. Because the death of a parent is a huge deal. Because although funerals honor the deceased, the living still derive comfort and support (Ms. Theologian could argue this is in fact one of the primary purposes).

Yes, the bereaved are grieving and may seem oblivious to your presence. But you go, you say a few kind words, you squeeze their arm, you hug, and then you return to your daily life knowing that part of being in a community (including a workplace community) is honoring the changes in each other’s lives.

Ms. Theologian plans on attending your funeral, just so you know, because according to the age test, she is going to live to be 114,

-Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you would like to write to Ms. Theologian about a work-related problem, send an email to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.

P.P.S. Comments are on, if you have anything to add about funeral attendance.

Thank you for visiting the new site for Surviving the Workday: Spirituality at Work.

I’m going to approach this a bit differently than my blog, more like a spirituality and the workplace ezine and less like a standard blog. There will still be some opportunities to comment, but probably less so than than the blog. The content will be a similar mix of workplace news, reflections on the nature of spirituality and work, and tips for surviving the workday (and rest of the day too).

Dear Ms. Theologian;I manage a small but demanding team. My job involves a lot of multi-tasking and can often times be very stressful. My team members can be very pushy and impatient. One of them has a reputation of being a real cry baby. Some days the stress of managing such self-absorbed team members really gets to me, and I find myself yelling at them. Awful, but true. What are some tips for keeping the peace in such a chaotic workplace? Keep in mind the people I work with are very irrational and not always cooperative. They even spit food and crap in their pants.

Dear Boiling Point,

I hear that you are very frustrated and that you find the environment very chaotic. You are doing a very difficult job with challenging team members.

The best reason not to yell is that it is largely ineffective. The second best reason not to yell is that it models behavior you certainly don’t want to see from your team members, especially when they’re older and bigger.

You may find Stop the Yelling! and Reminders about Discipline helpful.

It is easy to forget in motherhood how to take care of yourself because of the pressing needs of your team members. The team members are very important, but if you don’t take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health, then you can’t take care of them. It sounds like you are neglecting yourself, which is pushing you to this point of frustration.

Try focusing on your breath. There is really nothing more basic than this. And breathing exercises can be done anywhere at anytime. You can go with simple breathing exercises or more complex yogic breathing.

Try a mantra. While many mantras are rooted in a religious tradition, there is nothing wrong with one that you make up. I like, “I am calm and relaxed.” I have a friend who uses, “I am okay” during times of stress. Even a more global mantra, such as “May Peace Prevail on Earth” may seem quite relevant to your coworkers.

Try meditation. The “trick” with meditation is not to give up. It is hard to clear your mind, but it is the process that counts just as much as the outcome.

Try prayer. There is no right way to pray. Find a quiet place (locking yourself in the bathroom may work), close your eyes, breath, and say what your heart feels. You don’t have to address anyone. You don’t need to expect a reply.

Try scheduling time to yourself. This does not include time by yourself cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, or vaccuuming. No, this is time for yourself doing things you used to do and enjoy before you began managing the team: seeing a movie, reading a book, writing in your journal, taking a walk, spacing out, getting a massage, whatever.

There is no overnight success strategy for managing your team, but any of these approaches applied consistently should decrease your frustration level and quiet your workplace (not completely, that’s creepy).

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,

I want to forge a team identity for my direct reports as I feel this is lacking.

Do you have any other suggestions for forging a team identity when no one on the team really gets along, and they have not had to act as a team in the past?

-A Manager

Dear Manager –

My own experience with team-building brings together memories of trust walks, ropes courses, and falling backward into the arms of someone I hated. It’s not a pretty picture. Why were these attempts at team-building a cringe-worthy failure?

They didn’t address the underlying issues.

There are resources on this topic by people who know a lot about management. So, know that those tips are available, but let’s work on this from a spiritual point of view.

The first and most important team in each of our lives is our family. That’s right, our first community in life–mommy, daddy, and siblings. Or daddy, daddy, and siblings. Or mommy and no sibs. You get the picture. This family is imprinted on us. It affects us deeply as adults. For the most part, many of us function the same way in teams at work as we function with our families (scary, but true). If we hate our parents and tease our siblings incessantly as a strategy to survive, you better believe that we hate our bosses and tease our coworkers incessantly.

In order to build a team, you need to address everyone’s deep-seated need to belong to a community and have a sense of deeper purpose. In order to do this, you need to instill the values of respect and trust. Without those, there is no chance for a team. This is what a good parents would do. It’s also what a good manager does.

You might begin with one of these sorts of activites: Purposeful and Playful Workshop Exercises and Strategies. These activities can provide a way to encourage respect through listening and open and honest commuication in the workplace. And they aren’t just ice-breakers. They can be used frequently.

In order to have a sense of a team, you need to find ways for people to do their jobs as individuals AND as team-members. If there is no need for them to act as a team, then they probably aren’t going to. You need to find ways for them to have the welfare of the team tied to their individual performance.

I’m sorry that I can’t provide a quick fix for this. It seems to me that with ways to build trust and increase respect in the workplace as well as ways to tie individual performance to the group need to be customized for your place. And you, the manager, are the best person to do this.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,

I told my direct reports that I was going to take them out to lunch to thank them for their hard work on a project. One of my reports came up and said, you shouldn’t take us out, we’re happy to pay for ourselves. Now, I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel this is part of my job, and I want to do it. However, this is a person who not only will refuse to take no for an answer, but she doesn’t hear you say no in the first place and beats it into the ground. I’ve seen people leave the room because she pushed things on them too much.

Here is an example conversation:

BH: I know you don’t know her very well but we’re all getting pizza to celebrate Nancy’s birthday, you’re welcome to join us.
ME: No thanks, I’m a little tired of pizza and I brought lunch from home.
BH: You should join us!
ME: No, really I have stuff to do at lunch.
{LATER}
BH: We have the pizza, come join us.
ME: No thanks.
BH: Oh come join us for a while, you can have a slice of pizza.
ME: Thanks, really, I have stuff to do.
BH: I’ll bring you a slice then, you can eat it at your desk.
ME: Oh I have lunch, but thanks.
BH: You can eat it later, I’ll bring you a slice.
ME: No really, I’m sick of pizza, I”ve had it four times in two weeks.
BH: Oh just one, I’ll bring it to you.
ME: I don’t want one, but thanks.
BH: I’ll just bring it and you can save it.
ME: BOBBLEHEAD, I REALLY DON’T WANT ANY, PLEASE!
BH: But…

That’s literally a verbatim conversation. So you can see what I’m up against.

–Wishes she could beat them with a cast iron skillet

Dear She Who Wields a Cast Iron Skillet –

I hear that you are saying no. I really do hear that. But BH (also known as Bobblehead) does not.

It seems like you are using at least two of the strategies from six ways to say no, including the “direct no,” and “the reasoned no.” It does seem that neither of these is working. Bobblehead doesn’t listen to reason (or she tries to reason with reason) and she doesn’t take a direct no as no.

I suggest trying “the broken record approach” with a polite, firm no. See how the conversation sounds?

BH: We have the pizza, come join us.
ME: No thanks.
BH: Oh come join us for a while, you can have a slice of pizza.
ME: No.
BH: I’ll bring you a slice then, you can eat it at your desk.
ME: No.
BH: You can eat it later, I’ll bring you a slice.
ME: No.
BH: Oh just one, I’ll bring it to you.
ME: No.
BH: I’ll just bring it and you can save it.
ME: No.
BH: But…

Saying no is powerful stuff (ask anyone with a toddler). It’s drawing our limitations and establishing our boundaries. BH is abusing both of those.

If the broken record approach doesn’t work, I suggest this statement:

“I know that you would like me to have a slice of pizza with you. You need to hear me. I said no. It is disrespectful to me as your boss when you don’t hear what I say. I said no and I meant it.”

Hard to do, but it may be necessary.

-Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

There is a woman in my office who is a very conservative, sensitive Christian. For Halloween, she was really bothered by the celebrations. Perhaps it was the slaughter of little animals in the kitchen. Just kidding. Seriously, she was bothered that we had decorations and a party. But for Christmas, she was all over the celebration thing. How can one bring better balance into the work place for celebrating holidays that have a religious base?

-Happy at Halloween

Dear Happy,

This is a good question. It’s also a difficult one.

You cannot change your coworker. You need to respect the fact that she celebrates Christmas and is bothered by Halloween. You can also try to understand this a bit more.

Some conservative Christians are not into pluralism or inclusivism. They’re into exclusivism. (It’s worth noting that most religions have at least one group of folks who think of themselves as having the exclusive rights to the Truth.) Their view is basically this: We got it right in our faith and everyone else is wrong. And not just wrong, but dangerously wrong because they’re partly or completely controlled by demons and/or Satan. Hence, Halloween is not a time to celebrate.

Should you try and change your coworker’s opinion? Absolutely not. You cannot point out that all holidays have pagan roots and that pagans are happy people who love nature and don’t sacrifice human beings. She’s not going to believe you.

It would be wise to develop an office policy involving HR and management and concerned workers that explored these issues. Every workplace is different. You need to consider how the party is celebrated, when it is celebrated (during the workday or not), and what the options are for those who don’t want to attend.

One solution?

Celebrate all holidays with an office sponsor. So if you’re the Halloween sponsor, you plan the office party outside the workday (during lunch or after work). If you’re not the sponsor, you can attend the party or choose not to. The party isn’t a requirement for work.

And, just because I found it amusing, I give you this:

Top Five Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

-Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,

The head of our company acts like a crass, frat boy. Recently they had an advertisement that was very offensive to me as a woman and as a Christian. Any suggestions on how to deal with him? He doesn’t really give any regard to the HR woman who I have also shared my objections with.

–Sick of frat boy antics

Dear Sick,

A long time ago, when I trained to be a geologist at field camp (a remote location in Montana with 12 men for every woman), one man insisted on wearing a particularly offensive T-shirt. The T-shirt advertised his fraternity and showed a large well-hung Squirrel-Man dragging off two drunk Squirrel-Women (presumably to go feed them acorns).

It had any number of rape-connotations, not to mention alcohol-abuse. Every woman at field camp was offended, we talked to him, we talked to those in charge. What happened? He wore the T-shirt more often.

What is the point? This was a pervasively misogynistic culture, which was not amenable to change. Certainly not from us. This sort of culture wears you down. It’s gradual. You don’t even notice it. And all of a sudden you’re deeply depressed and can only conceive of yourself as an about-to-be-raped-drunk-squirrel. The solution was to get out.

Is that the case in your workplace? I’m not so sure. I do know that culture is very hard to change, especially when those in charge maintain a fratboy mentality.

What can you do to change this culture? You need to try and balance your sense of justice with self-care. See if any of these options make sense for you.

1. Read up on what constitutes a hostile work environment. Consider if there are any other elements in your workplace that contribute to a hostile work environment. Think deeply about this. It’s a serious question.

3. Consider talking to the HR person again and framing your inquiry around questions based on your research rather than just concerns about the advertisement. If you do determine that there is a hostile work environment in place, there are any number of legal concerns that she should take seriously.

4. Consider aligning yourself with a sympathetic male at work and others who share your concerns. Consider asking this person to approach the management about the advertisment.

Good luck with this. My thoughts are with you,

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

One of my co-workers and I discuss our Christian faith with each other in the work place. Other co-workers know I am a Christian. She is new to the faith and can talk about it with other co-workers to the point where it annoys them. As proselytizing is discouraged in our offices, I try to encourage her to talk to me anytime, but be aware that some people aren’t really open to her sharing. Any suggestions on what she can do to “share” without “sharing”?

–Shared Enough

Dear Shared Enough:

Do you know what happened when I discovered the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser? I wanted to tell everyone. It worked so well. It made cleaning the bathroom a joy. I wanted everyone to have one. I had never felt this way about a cleaning product before. I was ecstatic.

This is how people feel right before they proselitize. They feel they have their hands on something so good, so right, so perfect, that everyone needs to know about it.

But not very many people wanted to hear about my sponge. My mother didn’t. My husband didn’t either. Friends and neighbors thought I was a lunatic. Ah, but they did want to use my sparkling clean bathroom. Oh yes! I ended up bonding with other women who had found the sponge and appreciated it as I did.

Christianity affirms the common dignity of every human being,

And he made from one every nation of men to live on all the face of the earth (Acts 17:26 RSV).

This is something that immediately translates into a workplace value. Encourage her to treat all people with respect regardless of their religious beliefs.

Not everyone has to use the same sponge. Remember that. Some people already have a sponge that works just fine. They like their sponge. It makes them ecstatic too.

You’ve heard the expression, “Actions speak louder than words”? Remind your coworker of this. Encourage your coworker to demonstrate her values, but not necessarily talk about her beliefs to those who do not welcome the dialogue (I’m assuming this is a dialogue and not a lecture).

Off to buy more sponges,

Ms. Theologian

Ms. Theologian:A coworker, Bill, always comes in late. We all cover for him. I’m sick of Bill. How can I end this?

Dear Irked:

Ms. Theologian assumes you mean that you wish to end the practice of covering for Bill. This is simple. Just stop. The larger issue here is how we best work in a community with one another.

If your boss asks where he is, perfect your best shrug. If your boss asks again, just tell the truth: you fear he might be late.

Bill will only be on time if there are consequences for his lateness.

Of course, there are consequences for your actions too. Bill may be angry with you. Can you deal with that?

-Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I just started a job. I was unemployed for five months and I’m really grateful for it. The trouble is that I don’t have any vacation days accrued so I’m working pretty much through Christmas, December 23rd, 26th, 31st. I’m trying not to feel resentful….but you got any advice?

Dear Grateful –

Ms. Theologian advises gaining some perspective. Sometimes life is hard and we have to do things we don’t want to do. You are gainfully employed. Enjoy it.

All that stuff you see on TV and hear from people is just hype. Real life is getting up in the middle of the night to wipe vomit from your partner’s mouth. It’s illness and starvation. Real life is miscarriages and dead pets. It’s war and genocide. Real life involves people you love dying.

It is also penultimate joy and love and snuggling.

You can deal with working through the holidays.

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:My boss bought me a Christmas gift. I don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not obligated to buy her a Christmas gift, am I? I’m Jewish.

Dear Perplexed:

In the most ideal circumstances, gifts are authentic symbols of our thoughts and are given out of kindness, love, appreciation, or generosity. But workplaces are not necessarily ideal circumstances.

In the workplae, sometimes “Christmas gifts” are really end of the year holiday bonus gifts, so I don’t think you are obligated to reciprocate, especially since the gift comes out of a religious tradition that you do not belong to. I do think you are obligated to write a thank you note.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:Last year at the office holiday party, I got drunk (apple martinis). It was awful. This year, I’m tempted not to go at all. Any good excuses?

Dear Sober:

You could say that your AA meeting conflicts with it?

In general, Ms. Theologian does not drink at work events. She will drink with friends. It’s difficult when work events involve people that are friends, but as long as there are non-friends involved, it may be best to abstain. It’s not unheard of.

Soberly,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I work with this guy, Bob, and our boss, David, is a Buddhist, and Bob didn’t think he could deal with it because he’s a Christian. I told Bob he was an ass. What do you think?

Dear Annoyed:

David has Ms. Theologian’s sympathy.

Bob needs to take a deep breath and understand that there are different religions. There always have been. Many religions think they have the corner on the market on truth. They don’t. No doubt learning about other religions might broaden Bob’s world view, but Ms. Theologian is not sure how calling Bob an ass helped, eh?

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian: I was laidoff a few weeks ago. I’m suspending my job searching and networking during the holidays (no one is hiring this time of year), but I have trouble dealing with comments from relatives about the layoff like, “Poor you,” or “God, this must be so tough,” or “What are you going to do?” I say that I’m fine and will find another job, but I’m irritated.

Dear T-d off:

I’m very sorry to hear you were laidoff.

Often when people don’t know what to say exactly or how to express concern, it comes out wrong. That’s how Ms. Theologian understands those remarks that you quoted. Those folks care, but they’re not sure how to say so or how to help.

A thought–people are indeed hiring this time of year and often there are less resumes floating around. Consider applying for jobs and maintaining your schedule of networking. It will give you some strength in your replies to those queries. Just tell your relatives where you’ve applied. Assure them you’re fine or ask for their help.

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian –I love what I do (as an administrative assistant at an art gallery), but I don’t like the people I work with. They’re all 20 or 30 years younger than me and we don’t have a lot in common. I try to talk to them, but they seem obsessed with their children or their home or things I went through a long time ago. I don’t want to change jobs, but I end up feeling isolated.–Conflicted in the southwest

Oh how Ms. Theologian relates to your question, but in the reverse (she often works with people much older than herself). This seems like an issue of alienation amid community.

It often seems as though problems develop when people get lumped into one category (young people, old people, white people, black people, people like me, people not like me, etc.) Ms. Theologian has heard a similar question from someone who was a different religion from his coworkers.

Make an effort to talk to your coworkers one-on-one. Learn Susan’s hobbies, Dan’s favorite foods, John’s children’s favorite toys, and Rebecca’s remodeling dilemmas. Banish thoughts such as, Oh, here come the young people again with their stories about their children and drywall tales. Treat people with respect and as individuals with names, passions, interests, and lives. You will find the effort returned tenfold. Communities in the workplace may seem like amorphous groups, but they are truly individuals. They no doubt will appreciate you in the same way that you appreciate them, no?

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian —I work the third shift, 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Everyone I work with gets along well, but often the person who replaces me is late. Just 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, but it’s still late, and man, I’m tired and want to go home. We joke about it. “Hey, you’re late, ha, ha. “Yeah, ha, ha, traffic, you know….” The boss is never around at that hour. Should I tell on my coworker?

Dear Sleepyhead –

When you find yourself using language like “tell on my coworker” it’s time for a maturity-check.

Ms. Theologian thinks that you should speak to the coworker directly, honestly, and explain how the lateness affects you. You should only “tell” your boss as a last resort.

Promptly,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I’ve befriended one of my coworkers. We have a daily ritual of going to lunch together. Two other people in the office always see us go off at the same time for lunch. I feel bad because recently one of them asked me if we were going to lunch and I said no. Of course, we were, but I still feel bad because I didn’t want to eat with them (or worse, get into the habit of eating with them every day).

Dear Hungry,

Ms. Theologian does not perceive that you are obligated to spend your lunch hour with people you don’t like. But by meeting your befriended coworker in the office, you are creating a scene in which the other coworkers are obviously left out. That’s unkind.

A compromise? Invite the other coworkers every once in a while to lunch with you two. Meet your friend out of the office the rest of the time on a daily basis.

Glad she lunches alone,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:It has recently come to my attention that my boss reads my personal emails. I know this because when she misread one of them and thought I had taken a day off for reasons other then I’d stated. When I asked her why she’d think that, she told me she’d read my email. And THEN she continued to discuss other personal matter of mine she’d read through my email.

Dear Violated:

Ms. Theologian understands that you feel violated, but you need to stop emailing anything that isn’t work related from work.

You have no privacy on the phone, in voicemail, in email, and on your screen. If you can’t do that, your options seem to be:

1. Talk to your boss about this. You say she’s crazy and you might lose your job though.

2. Talk to your boss’s boss about this. You might also lose your job this way though.

3. Try to find another job (within the company or outside of the company).

4. Find an internal way to reconcile this. We like this solution the best.

Ms. Theologian, for example, would delight in writing all emails as if her boss would read them.

“Dear Prudence: My boss looked especially stylish in her tweed skirt. It was so 1970s, but so now!”

Sounds crazy, no? Sometimes Ms. Theologian finds that the sane among us must go undercover to survive in the modern workplace.

Peace,

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:How does one while working at home resist the temptation to surf the net all day? I still get all my work done. Should I even resist?

Dear SurferGrl:

Ah, temptation.

If you are using an internet connection provided by your employer or monitored by your employer, you must resist this temptation. You have no privacy there. You know this.

If you are using your own private internet connection, Ms. Theologian has no problem with surfing (if you get your work done).

There are many temptations to resist: online porn, cheesecake, velour, breast implants, azaleas….but surfing while working productively at home isn’t one of them.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

At the moment I work as a part-time temp secretary, while I try to decide which direction to take in my life. I left an organisation where I had been happy and was appreciated because the job was expanding and I was more or less being expected to work full time.

Another temp took my place and we said that we should have lunch sometime, and had in fact booked a day. The day before the lunch I got a call on my mobile from my ex-boss saying that the temp was going to be let go at the end of the week for various reasons, and would I return with a guaranteed four day week. The temp knew nothing about this.

The job suits me, I like the place, they’ve met my terms, so I said yes for a month trial period.

I cancelled the lunch because I couldn’t face knowing what I knew and not being able to tell her. I feel guilty, complicit in her downfall, lacking in solidarity, though I know I’m not, and dreading an accusatory phone call from her.

What should I do? Try and make contact with her and explain I had nothing to do with her departure? Let sleeping dogs lie? And why do I feel so guilty?

–Anonymous

Dear Anonymous –

While Ms. Theologian thinks that the standard career advice would be to just move on, she has a question for you:

If you were in her shoes, what would you like to have happen?

Yes, The Golden Rule.

If Ms. Theologian were in this situation, she would not mind receiving a carefully crafted letter expressing your deep sense of regret that she was laid-off and extending an offer to lunch (you should pay, btw, you are the one with the job).

As far as guilt goes, Ms. Theologian can only speculate. Perhaps you see that you have the ability to alleviate some of her suffering? Perhaps you see that you could have warned her? Perhaps you see that you are benefiting from her loss?

One of the challenges in our society is that we are discouraged from connecting to others. Consider if you were in her shoes how you might want to be treated. After the sting of being laid-off has faded, she might welcome contact. She might not. But you are in a better position of taking the first step.

–Ms. Theologian