Dear Ms. Theologian:I just started a job. I was unemployed for five months and I’m really grateful for it. The trouble is that I don’t have any vacation days accrued so I’m working pretty much through Christmas, December 23rd, 26th, 31st. I’m trying not to feel resentful….but you got any advice?

Dear Grateful –

Ms. Theologian advises gaining some perspective. Sometimes life is hard and we have to do things we don’t want to do. You are gainfully employed. Enjoy it.

All that stuff you see on TV and hear from people is just hype. Real life is getting up in the middle of the night to wipe vomit from your partner’s mouth. It’s illness and starvation. Real life is miscarriages and dead pets. It’s war and genocide. Real life involves people you love dying.

It is also penultimate joy and love and snuggling.

You can deal with working through the holidays.

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:My boss bought me a Christmas gift. I don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not obligated to buy her a Christmas gift, am I? I’m Jewish.

Dear Perplexed:

In the most ideal circumstances, gifts are authentic symbols of our thoughts and are given out of kindness, love, appreciation, or generosity. But workplaces are not necessarily ideal circumstances.

In the workplae, sometimes “Christmas gifts” are really end of the year holiday bonus gifts, so I don’t think you are obligated to reciprocate, especially since the gift comes out of a religious tradition that you do not belong to. I do think you are obligated to write a thank you note.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:Last year at the office holiday party, I got drunk (apple martinis). It was awful. This year, I’m tempted not to go at all. Any good excuses?

Dear Sober:

You could say that your AA meeting conflicts with it?

In general, Ms. Theologian does not drink at work events. She will drink with friends. It’s difficult when work events involve people that are friends, but as long as there are non-friends involved, it may be best to abstain. It’s not unheard of.

Soberly,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I work with this guy, Bob, and our boss, David, is a Buddhist, and Bob didn’t think he could deal with it because he’s a Christian. I told Bob he was an ass. What do you think?

Dear Annoyed:

David has Ms. Theologian’s sympathy.

Bob needs to take a deep breath and understand that there are different religions. There always have been. Many religions think they have the corner on the market on truth. They don’t. No doubt learning about other religions might broaden Bob’s world view, but Ms. Theologian is not sure how calling Bob an ass helped, eh?

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian: I was laidoff a few weeks ago. I’m suspending my job searching and networking during the holidays (no one is hiring this time of year), but I have trouble dealing with comments from relatives about the layoff like, “Poor you,” or “God, this must be so tough,” or “What are you going to do?” I say that I’m fine and will find another job, but I’m irritated.

Dear T-d off:

I’m very sorry to hear you were laidoff.

Often when people don’t know what to say exactly or how to express concern, it comes out wrong. That’s how Ms. Theologian understands those remarks that you quoted. Those folks care, but they’re not sure how to say so or how to help.

A thought–people are indeed hiring this time of year and often there are less resumes floating around. Consider applying for jobs and maintaining your schedule of networking. It will give you some strength in your replies to those queries. Just tell your relatives where you’ve applied. Assure them you’re fine or ask for their help.

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian –I love what I do (as an administrative assistant at an art gallery), but I don’t like the people I work with. They’re all 20 or 30 years younger than me and we don’t have a lot in common. I try to talk to them, but they seem obsessed with their children or their home or things I went through a long time ago. I don’t want to change jobs, but I end up feeling isolated.–Conflicted in the southwest

Oh how Ms. Theologian relates to your question, but in the reverse (she often works with people much older than herself). This seems like an issue of alienation amid community.

It often seems as though problems develop when people get lumped into one category (young people, old people, white people, black people, people like me, people not like me, etc.) Ms. Theologian has heard a similar question from someone who was a different religion from his coworkers.

Make an effort to talk to your coworkers one-on-one. Learn Susan’s hobbies, Dan’s favorite foods, John’s children’s favorite toys, and Rebecca’s remodeling dilemmas. Banish thoughts such as, Oh, here come the young people again with their stories about their children and drywall tales. Treat people with respect and as individuals with names, passions, interests, and lives. You will find the effort returned tenfold. Communities in the workplace may seem like amorphous groups, but they are truly individuals. They no doubt will appreciate you in the same way that you appreciate them, no?

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian —I work the third shift, 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Everyone I work with gets along well, but often the person who replaces me is late. Just 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, but it’s still late, and man, I’m tired and want to go home. We joke about it. “Hey, you’re late, ha, ha. “Yeah, ha, ha, traffic, you know….” The boss is never around at that hour. Should I tell on my coworker?

Dear Sleepyhead –

When you find yourself using language like “tell on my coworker” it’s time for a maturity-check.

Ms. Theologian thinks that you should speak to the coworker directly, honestly, and explain how the lateness affects you. You should only “tell” your boss as a last resort.

Promptly,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I’ve befriended one of my coworkers. We have a daily ritual of going to lunch together. Two other people in the office always see us go off at the same time for lunch. I feel bad because recently one of them asked me if we were going to lunch and I said no. Of course, we were, but I still feel bad because I didn’t want to eat with them (or worse, get into the habit of eating with them every day).

Dear Hungry,

Ms. Theologian does not perceive that you are obligated to spend your lunch hour with people you don’t like. But by meeting your befriended coworker in the office, you are creating a scene in which the other coworkers are obviously left out. That’s unkind.

A compromise? Invite the other coworkers every once in a while to lunch with you two. Meet your friend out of the office the rest of the time on a daily basis.

Glad she lunches alone,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:It has recently come to my attention that my boss reads my personal emails. I know this because when she misread one of them and thought I had taken a day off for reasons other then I’d stated. When I asked her why she’d think that, she told me she’d read my email. And THEN she continued to discuss other personal matter of mine she’d read through my email.

Dear Violated:

Ms. Theologian understands that you feel violated, but you need to stop emailing anything that isn’t work related from work.

You have no privacy on the phone, in voicemail, in email, and on your screen. If you can’t do that, your options seem to be:

1. Talk to your boss about this. You say she’s crazy and you might lose your job though.

2. Talk to your boss’s boss about this. You might also lose your job this way though.

3. Try to find another job (within the company or outside of the company).

4. Find an internal way to reconcile this. We like this solution the best.

Ms. Theologian, for example, would delight in writing all emails as if her boss would read them.

“Dear Prudence: My boss looked especially stylish in her tweed skirt. It was so 1970s, but so now!”

Sounds crazy, no? Sometimes Ms. Theologian finds that the sane among us must go undercover to survive in the modern workplace.

Peace,

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:How does one while working at home resist the temptation to surf the net all day? I still get all my work done. Should I even resist?

Dear SurferGrl:

Ah, temptation.

If you are using an internet connection provided by your employer or monitored by your employer, you must resist this temptation. You have no privacy there. You know this.

If you are using your own private internet connection, Ms. Theologian has no problem with surfing (if you get your work done).

There are many temptations to resist: online porn, cheesecake, velour, breast implants, azaleas….but surfing while working productively at home isn’t one of them.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

At the moment I work as a part-time temp secretary, while I try to decide which direction to take in my life. I left an organisation where I had been happy and was appreciated because the job was expanding and I was more or less being expected to work full time.

Another temp took my place and we said that we should have lunch sometime, and had in fact booked a day. The day before the lunch I got a call on my mobile from my ex-boss saying that the temp was going to be let go at the end of the week for various reasons, and would I return with a guaranteed four day week. The temp knew nothing about this.

The job suits me, I like the place, they’ve met my terms, so I said yes for a month trial period.

I cancelled the lunch because I couldn’t face knowing what I knew and not being able to tell her. I feel guilty, complicit in her downfall, lacking in solidarity, though I know I’m not, and dreading an accusatory phone call from her.

What should I do? Try and make contact with her and explain I had nothing to do with her departure? Let sleeping dogs lie? And why do I feel so guilty?

–Anonymous

Dear Anonymous –

While Ms. Theologian thinks that the standard career advice would be to just move on, she has a question for you:

If you were in her shoes, what would you like to have happen?

Yes, The Golden Rule.

If Ms. Theologian were in this situation, she would not mind receiving a carefully crafted letter expressing your deep sense of regret that she was laid-off and extending an offer to lunch (you should pay, btw, you are the one with the job).

As far as guilt goes, Ms. Theologian can only speculate. Perhaps you see that you have the ability to alleviate some of her suffering? Perhaps you see that you could have warned her? Perhaps you see that you are benefiting from her loss?

One of the challenges in our society is that we are discouraged from connecting to others. Consider if you were in her shoes how you might want to be treated. After the sting of being laid-off has faded, she might welcome contact. She might not. But you are in a better position of taking the first step.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I work for a nonprofit that has been approached by a big fast food chain to help us with a fundraiser. We desperately need the money and they are willing to give us a portion of their profits if we staff the place for the night. I’m hesitating to agree to this because of things I’ve heard about them. On the other hand, we need the money. What would you do?

Dear Hungry,

Ms. Theologian assumes you have researched their corporate record. Not that you said McDonalds, but, for example, check out McDonald’s Corporate Record including human rights abuses, descriptions of unsafe workplaces, union busting, environmental debauchery, and many other dirty deeds. I assume these are issues your nonprofit would seek to change and not to support.

Corporations listen to money. Ms. Theologian suggests finding another restaurant to host a fundraiser, preferably a small locally-owned business. Then write a thoughtful letter to your fast food restaurant explaining why you aren’t going to accept their generous help. Don’t spend your hard earned money at places that don’t support your values.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I have a coworker who brings her problems to work. She’s loud on the phone dealing with babysitters and kids, loud in other people’s cubicles complaining about her life, and just plain loud. How do I deal with her?

Dear Cowering:

It seems to me that you have an opportunity to act with grace here. And by grace, Ms. Theologian does not mean sanctification by God, but acting with kindness and dignity.

Yes, some coworkers are annoying. We know that. We can name names.

But someone is clearly suffering LOUDLY and you have the ability to either listen actively or try to tune her out. Sometimes Ms. Theologian has noticed that people speak loudly when they fear that they are not being heard. Try actually listening to her. And let her know that you hear her. And listen to her response. Ms. Theologian bets it is not as loud.

Quietly,

–Ms. Theologian

Ms. Theologian:Every year I organize a Christmas tree ornament party at work for a tree in our employee lounge. I love decorating, but remarks from a few coworkers make me think that I may not be that sensitive. I’m calling it a holiday tree, anyway. What do you think?

Dear Full:

Just so you know, Ms. Theologian isn’t keen on “the holidays,” a phrase which tries to lump a bunch of end of the year holidays that don’t have a lot in common together. For Christians, Christmas is a big deal (note the similarity between Christ-mas and Christ-ians). Do you know of any other modern world religions that encourage chopping a tree down and cover it with strings of dried pasta and ornaments from egg cartons? It’s a Christmas tree. So stop with the “holiday tree” nonsense.

As far as decorating goes, Ms. Theologian tends to do exuberant things until people ask her to stop. So decorate away. But try not to mutter things like, “If you just accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, then you’d get to go to heaven and celebrate too!” or “God, isn’t it so great that we ALL have holidays at the end of the year? It’s like we’re all one big Christian family!” That pisses people off. Big time.

Merry Christmas,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

I can’t help but be annoyed by the frenzied pace this time of year. All I hear my coworkers talk about is gifts they bought online and planning the spouse-required-to-attend-holiday-party. It seems like everyone is so earnestly pursuing something, but what?

I feel left out and slow.

–Unaware in Urbana

Dear Unaware,

Ms. Theologian does not know what people are so earnestly pursuing this year, but she suspects it is a Bratz Remote Control Cruiser or possibly King Kong 14” Action Figure.

That is to say that people get “caught up in the spirit of the season” and that often translates to “gone completely bonkers with their credit cards.”

You might try digging a bit deeper and celebrating Advent, if you have Christian roots.

Take care of yourself (and ignore those coworkers)

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:In conversation, when talking about other people (especially when pointing out a foible or, conversely, pointing out a good quality), I often say their name and quickly follow it with “God bless ‘em”.

Dear Curious:

Ms. Theologian is of two minds regarding this question.

Mind #1: This part of Ms. Theologian’s mind is not very mature, yet it appreciates irony. The irony is that although you say, “God Bless, Hildegarde,” you may follow it up with a criticism. And that’s amusing to Ms. Theologian.

Mind #2: This is part of Ms. Theologian’s mind that is slightly more mature and less irony-appreciating. She thinks that if you really want to bestow a blessing, say something positive about your coworker and leave out the criticism.

Bless you,

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,I’m really and truly pleased for those adults who procreate. I’m even more pleased when they care for their children well and hold down decent jobs.

Dear Childless:

Oh how Ms. Theologian relates to your letter. And thank you for providing a clear cut dilemma. Here’s your plain and simple answer: you can’t get these folks to be more sensitive to your needs (or their children). You simply can’t. You may be able to work on management from an equity point of view.

What we need is flex time for everyone, so it doesn’t matter if you have an infant, an aging mother, a sick dog, or you’re just needing time with your own inner child, you can still work at home in the afternoon or come in late on Wednesdays or whatever. It’s not going to happen unless people ask for it.

How do you ask for it? You might broach the topic with your boss in reference to adopting a policy across the board to address emergencies that require flex time. You might talk with other childless coworkers to make a sample list of what exactly you want (e.g., Do you want the option to work at home on Thursdays? Do you want the option to extend deadlines if an emergency comes up so that you don’t pick up someone else’s slack?) What exactly do you want? Figure it out. And ask for it.

Childless in a Child-Centered Haven,

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms Theologian,It has recently come to my attention that I was hired at a lower level of seniority than I was led to believe in all my interviews. I was told it was a management position, and when I was offered the job I was told it was the same as what I interviewed for (I have this in writing.) But I come to find it’s really a lead position. Lower level than expected, but same level as my previous position at another company.

Dear Not sure:

Ms. Theologian received very little sleep and so her response will be straight to the point. She’s not convinced that managing more people or having more responsibilities will make you more satisfied.

This is more an issue of acceptance of where you are and who you are. You could make a stink about your job level or salary and what you expected and what you got, but it’s not going to go over well and, frankly, you seem to be comfortable with your lead responsibilities. This is all fine.

It’s okay to be where you are. Say it with me.

Yours,

–Ms. Theologian

Who knew they could google.

(Wracks brain to find last mention of condoms in blog (but it’s world AIDS day) or possibly anything else parents might not know about).

Granted, Ms. Theologian is on the brink of age 33. She’s beyond worrying about her parents.

Um…isn’t she?

Dear Ms Theologian:There is a woman I supervise who tends to get overwrought about things and works a lot of overtime because she tends to waste time on things that are unnecessary, but that she is overwrought about. I am working on keeping her from doing all that unnecessary work.

Dear Not Yet a Supporter:

Ms. Theologian thinks that your job as a manager is to support your people in just about any way you can (other than abject whoring). So if you’re not supporting this woman (in front of her and behind her back), you’re not doing your job.

Have you ever noticed that most people have some sense if people are talking about them behind their backs? People sense this sort of thing consciously and unconsciously. It’s degrading and it can’t possibly make the problem better.

Because your boss engages in this sort of behavior, Ms. Theologian thinks it’s time for a chat with the boss to bring the boss in on your side,

“Boss, you know I’m managing Ms. Overwrought and focusing on stopping her from completing unnecessary work and managing her time better. (Include details here).

And I know that you are supporting me in that work. One of the challenges for her is that her work is not supported by others (for some very good reasons) and that makes the problem worse (include details here). I want to stop talking about her in these ways (include details here). Can you help me in doing this?”

You have Ms. Theologian’s sympathy. She only manages one person, that would be her dog (Do you want to know how many times Ms. Theologian had to instruct the dog to sit for the photo below? Many), and she does a very poor job of that. You can do better.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,I often have to travel for work. Typically, I enjoy travel but when I am by myself and on the job, I find airports, airplanes, and hotels lonely and often hostile environments. In fact, I often have a great deal of anxiety in these situations. So much so that I find sleeping and relaxing difficult.

Dear Flight:

The trick with anxiety is managing it all the time, not just managing it when trying to relax or at night. How do you keep your anxiety level low?

1. Check in with yourself often. Ms. Theologian LOVES The Soul of the World, which is a modern book of hours with prayers every three hours and beautiful photos. It’s small enough to fit in a briefcase (or purse).

2. Avoid triggers. Have you identified what makes you anxious? Not just traveling or hotels, but specific circumstances. Ms. Theologian HATES eating alone while traveling so she always has dates. And by dates, she means friends, not anonymous sex, just in case you were wondering. Anonymous sex would be one of her triggers (oooh, anxiety is already rising, stop, stop, and think of rubbing dog’s belly instead, yes, much more calm).

3. Choose comforting images to guide you. One of Ms. Theologian’s favorite images is that she sleeps in the palm of God (And thank you to Carlos, a priest with whom Ms. Theologian went to divinity school, who gave this image to the class). Ms. Theologian isn’t really sure that God knows that Ms. Theologian is in her/his/its palm during the night, but she’s okay with that. She has even found similar images in other cultures.

A Sudanese Evening Prayer

Now that the sun has set,
I sit and rest, and think of you.
Give my weary body peace.
Let my legs and warms stop aching,
Let my nose stop sneezing,
Let my head stop thinking.
Let me sleep in your arms.

From Prayers at 3 A.M. (out of print, but sometimes available used).

Rest well,

Ms. Theologian