Surviving the Workday

Dear Ms. Theologian,

What do you do when a secretary is consistently rude to you?
 
She doesn’t support me, and I know her boss is fond of her.  I’ve tried the “Claire, are you ok? You sound like you’re stressed out” approach and she doesn’t get it.  She’s rude-ish to everybody, but seems to save special contempt for me. 
 
I don’t want to go to her boss, and I don’t especially want to confront her myself as she’s already mean to me and would probably regard that as pulling rank.  So maybe I should just put up with it.  But it’s really irritating.  She sits near me and makes everyday office interactions much more annoying. 

-Irritated

Dear Irritated,

We truly have no idea what goes on in the inner lives of most of our coworkers. Some share a lot; some share a little; some share nothing. So we do not know if consistent rudeness is the result of any number of dead spouses, dead dogs, or dead plants, or any number of other situations. Let’s assume it’s the absolute worst and that she’s suffering with a type of painful incurable cancer, her spouse and friends abandonned her, her dog died, her plants are spindly, and chocolate no longer tastes good.

One day this summer, Ms. Theologian’s housemate at Squaw told her a story about how she managed to free herself of a stalker with a totally unjustified apology. Now Ms. Theologian is of the frame of mind that an apology is part of a social contract: I apologize to you, then you can choose to forgive me. Without the apology, there is no forgiveness according to Ms. Theologian (though you can let go, get over it, move on, whatever). Ms. Theologian thinks there’s the possibility that you can have an absolutely private conversation with her that says something like, “I really like and respect you, and sense that I may have deeply offended you, and I’d like to apologize for whatever I said or did.” Reword as you see fit, but make it an apology, and not a confrontation.

Other than that, Ms. Theologian thinks you have three options:

1. To continue with the current strategy, which appears to be to cope with the rudeness and become irritated, but sort of suffer through;

2. To fill your heart with loving kindness and be absolutely perfectly kind, respectful, considerate no matter how this person behaves to you. This allows you to sleep at night.

3. To simply mirror her behavior back to her, which will no doubt catch on until everyone in the office is some kind of rude.

Ms. Theologian votes for #2 or the unjustified apology.

-Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you have a work related question, send the question in an email to ms dot theologial at gmail dot com. It will be posted here with some sort of answer.  

Dear Ms. Theologian,

Is it okay to give Christmas gift to a Jewish person?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Ms. Theologian is going to take the liberty of reframing your question:

Is it okay to give a Christmas gift to someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas?

Now, this is an interesting question, because, of course, it raises issues of giving: How is giving at Christmas a Christian act? Who does the gift benefit? the giver? the receiver? Is it the giving that is truly the important part, that is, the Christian part while receiving can be done by all?

Here is a simple rule: You can give a Christmas gift to someone who celebrates Christmas.

If that person is Jewish (or Muslim or Buddhist or Baha’i) and celebrates Christmas in a cultural context, then you can give a gift. But if that person is Jewish (or Muslim or Buddhist or Baha’i) and doesn’t celebrate Christmas in any sense, then Ms. Theologian suggests skipping the gift.

You can, of course, always give a gift at a different time of year. A January gift. A Valentine’s gift. Groundhog Day. Whatever. Gifts can be received year round, but when it is labeled as a Christmas gift and given to someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, it comes off as theologically presumptuous.

-Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you’d like to write to Ms. Theologian, include a gift.

sent from a Blackberry no less.

On the one hand, the crimes as described are basic things that you’d hope interns would avoid (general truancy). On the other hand,  I always wondered who could afford extended unpaid internships in publishing (people who don’t need to work for money). Thus ends any snide commentary on unpaid publishing internships in Manhattan.

Dear Ms. Theologian,

So all boss gifting is bad?

-Already Gave a gift

(more…)

Dear Ms. Theologian,

My boss of nearly four years, a wonderful awesome person, is Jewish, and I’d like to make him some Rugelach for the holidays. But is that uncool? Is that overly religious?

-Wondering (more…)

 Dear Ms. Theologian,

I am quitting my job of five years to pursue PhD studies and teaching.  The company has been great to me, very flexible with my schedule, but it’s time to focus more on my schoolwork.  But when I gave them my notice today, the idea of consulting work was brought up.  I create Visual Basic macros that interact between Excel and a mainframe, and do a variety of other technical-type stufff.  I was told it would be great if I could come up with “some kind of agreement” that lets them know when they could ask for my assistance.
 
I’ve never done consulting work before, and don’t know what I should stipulate–would they reimburse me for the mileage in my commute (that’s much of the reason I’m leaving!)?  Should I be asking for the same amount of money they’ve been paying me?  I’ve found a few contracts online, but I’m not sure what I need to have in writing.
 
Ideas?  (I don’t want to get sucked into working more for them than is convenient for me–but I do enjoy the work, in small doses).
 
Thanks!

-Future Consultant (more…)

Dear Ms. Theologian,

I have just finished grad school with an MDiv and am sending resumes out into the world like mad. I was thrilled yesterday to have a wonderful interview with a major activism/advocacy organization, and I’m excited about the possibility of working for them. The job seems to be right in the middle of my skills, my experience, and my passions.

There’s just one catch. When I asked the interviewer (my would-be boss) about the day-to-day work environment at this organization, he informed me that his “team” tends to work a lot of nights and weekends. As a parent of four children (ages three to eight), the prospect of being away from home so much–on the heels of working full time and going to school full time for three years–is definitely not something I would look forward to. I really feel like it’s time for me to give a little back to my family.

Based on how well the interview went, I feel confident I’ll be invited to this organization’s headquarters for a follow-up interview. Do you have any advice on how to deal with my concerns?

Thanks so much,

-Hesitant to work weekends

(more…)

Dear Ms. Theologian,

My partner is an adjunct professor teaching at a big state school in a department that has a reputation for being really good in his field. His course evaluations were mixed, but some of them were not good at all. His theory is that this is because he is a hard(er) professor - he insists that students read, will not tell them exactly what will be on the tests (as in giving them a “study sheet” and  saying “10 of these 30 questions will be on the test” which is very common), and in general tries to insist that students take an active role in learning rather than sit there like passive little zombies while he pours information into their heads. He teaches adjunct at another place and they are super-supportive of trying to keep grade inflation down and insisting to students that they must read and study to get good grades, so he knows that some schools are supportive of this approach even if the students get lower grades/are more indignant about having to work hard.

 He works very hard at developing good pedagogies, interesting approaches, works hard to learn students names, and is very friendly and supportive to students - in short, he is clearly not a bad professor. The department chair believes that student evaluations are a direct reflection of how well a professor is teaching, rather than acknowledging that the easier and more fun a class is, often the better the evaluations. No one from the department has ever visited his class to see how he teaches. They have insisted that his evaluations need to be better or he cannot teach there anymore. There was also mention that students need to like the classes a lot so that the department can get more majors (= more funding). We have decided together that this is not a good place for him since it seems that the priority is good evaluations (= easier tests, less pressure to read) rather than keeping grade inflation in check and students actually learning something. My question is, how to submit a resignation letter? I say that he should gently explain his reasons for quitting, in part so that he can tell this to future employers in explaining why references probably won’t be stellar from this school. He says he should just say he has a schedule conflict and it is too far of a drive (it is a very long commute).

Thoughts? 

Signed, 

Academic Workplace Conundrum

Dear Academic Workplace Conundrum,

First, please observe the restraint with which Ms. Theologian is not launching into a full-fledged rant on The Academy. Because somewhere up there in the sky, she is accumulating brownie points for not pointing out how The Academy is now run like The Corporate Empire complete with customer surveys and profit margins.

Whoops.

When we leave a job, it is natural to want to tell the truth about why we’re leaving in a gentle or not-so-gentle fashion, what an asshole Grizelda is to her customers, how Stanley wastes his time and is paid twice as much as we are, that Philomena always cuts out early, and that we really could thrive in a place that properly appreciated us. It is natural to want to say all sorts of things, but usually we don’t. Why? Because we sense that often we just need to clear out. We sense that the system can’t be fixed by our parting truths. We know that our bodies instinctively understand self-protection even when our brains cry out for truth.

Ms. Theologian has consulted with the three academics from state universities, who have expressed sympathy for the all-too-common situation, understood the need to construct a scheduling conflict, and given encouragement to not take any more courses from this place. However, they all do not think that this information can be conveyed “gently” to those in charge and side with your partner’s scheduling conflict excuse (or no excuse at all). Just back slowly and quietly away.

Ms. Theologian does not think your partner is under any moral obligation as adjunct faculty to inform anyone of anything. In fact, she thinks that those in charge understand completely what they are doing, and that it is gross, and that they are doing it anyway. She is depressing herself as she types this, but she recognizes this more and more. People intentionally do the wrong thing all the time. It is easy to think that someone who appears to do something morally bankrupt  just doesn’t have the information that you do. And maybe they don’t. But often they do, and they have just made different choices (e.g., to value student evaluations over all other types of assessments of performance).

Lastly, Ms. Theologian would like to point out that giving a study guide with possible exam questions on it is not the end of the world pedagogically. She points this out as a former high school teacher, as someone who has most of a master’s degree in education, as someone who has been employed in educational publishing for more than a decade. Student evaluations as primary indicators of professor performance? They will not go away. They will spread from the public to private institutions. So Ms. Theologian suggests that if a study guide, which identifies and links big and main ideas to one another, some of which will be tested, makes a difference in student learning, then perhaps it is not a bad idea to experiment with it to find a way that works for everyone.

-Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you’d like to write to Ms. Theologian, send an email with “ask Ms. Theologian” in the subject line to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.

Dear Ms. Theologian,

The father of one of my employees is dying. He lives in the area so the funeral will surely be local (I have never met him.) What are my duties as her manager to attend the wake/funeral/viewing/whatever? It seems to be common at this company to email funeral details to the department at large, but I am not so sure how many people from the company actually attend. I will say that I am a migrant from the West Coast and over there, such attendance was not at all expected. I’m not so sure if it is expected on the East Coast. I will of course circulate a card, but do I need to attend the wake (or whatever) as the manager of this employee, in addition to the emotional support I am already providing?Signed,

Setting aside the East Coast v. West Coast funeral behavior (interesting in and of itself), and focusing on the question at hand:

Should you attend the funeral for the father of one of your employees?

Yep.

Why? Because it’s erring on the side of kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion. Because the death of a parent is a huge deal. Because although funerals honor the deceased, the living still derive comfort and support (Ms. Theologian could argue this is in fact one of the primary purposes).

Yes, the bereaved are grieving and may seem oblivious to your presence. But you go, you say a few kind words, you squeeze their arm, you hug, and then you return to your daily life knowing that part of being in a community (including a workplace community) is honoring the changes in each other’s lives.

Ms. Theologian plans on attending your funeral, just so you know, because according to the age test, she is going to live to be 114,

-Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you would like to write to Ms. Theologian about a work-related problem, send an email to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.

P.P.S. Comments are on, if you have anything to add about funeral attendance.

Thank you for visiting the new site for Surviving the Workday: Spirituality at Work.

I’m going to approach this a bit differently than my blog, more like a spirituality and the workplace ezine and less like a standard blog. There will still be some opportunities to comment, but probably less so than than the blog. The content will be a similar mix of workplace news, reflections on the nature of spirituality and work, and tips for surviving the workday (and rest of the day too).

Dear Ms. Theologian;I manage a small but demanding team. My job involves a lot of multi-tasking and can often times be very stressful. My team members can be very pushy and impatient. One of them has a reputation of being a real cry baby. Some days the stress of managing such self-absorbed team members really gets to me, and I find myself yelling at them. Awful, but true. What are some tips for keeping the peace in such a chaotic workplace? Keep in mind the people I work with are very irrational and not always cooperative. They even spit food and crap in their pants.

Dear Boiling Point,

I hear that you are very frustrated and that you find the environment very chaotic. You are doing a very difficult job with challenging team members.

The best reason not to yell is that it is largely ineffective. The second best reason not to yell is that it models behavior you certainly don’t want to see from your team members, especially when they’re older and bigger.

You may find Stop the Yelling! and Reminders about Discipline helpful.

It is easy to forget in motherhood how to take care of yourself because of the pressing needs of your team members. The team members are very important, but if you don’t take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health, then you can’t take care of them. It sounds like you are neglecting yourself, which is pushing you to this point of frustration.

Try focusing on your breath. There is really nothing more basic than this. And breathing exercises can be done anywhere at anytime. You can go with simple breathing exercises or more complex yogic breathing.

Try a mantra. While many mantras are rooted in a religious tradition, there is nothing wrong with one that you make up. I like, “I am calm and relaxed.” I have a friend who uses, “I am okay” during times of stress. Even a more global mantra, such as “May Peace Prevail on Earth” may seem quite relevant to your coworkers.

Try meditation. The “trick” with meditation is not to give up. It is hard to clear your mind, but it is the process that counts just as much as the outcome.

Try prayer. There is no right way to pray. Find a quiet place (locking yourself in the bathroom may work), close your eyes, breath, and say what your heart feels. You don’t have to address anyone. You don’t need to expect a reply.

Try scheduling time to yourself. This does not include time by yourself cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, or vaccuuming. No, this is time for yourself doing things you used to do and enjoy before you began managing the team: seeing a movie, reading a book, writing in your journal, taking a walk, spacing out, getting a massage, whatever.

There is no overnight success strategy for managing your team, but any of these approaches applied consistently should decrease your frustration level and quiet your workplace (not completely, that’s creepy).

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,

I want to forge a team identity for my direct reports as I feel this is lacking.

Do you have any other suggestions for forging a team identity when no one on the team really gets along, and they have not had to act as a team in the past?

-A Manager

Dear Manager –

My own experience with team-building brings together memories of trust walks, ropes courses, and falling backward into the arms of someone I hated. It’s not a pretty picture. Why were these attempts at team-building a cringe-worthy failure?

They didn’t address the underlying issues.

There are resources on this topic by people who know a lot about management. So, know that those tips are available, but let’s work on this from a spiritual point of view.

The first and most important team in each of our lives is our family. That’s right, our first community in life–mommy, daddy, and siblings. Or daddy, daddy, and siblings. Or mommy and no sibs. You get the picture. This family is imprinted on us. It affects us deeply as adults. For the most part, many of us function the same way in teams at work as we function with our families (scary, but true). If we hate our parents and tease our siblings incessantly as a strategy to survive, you better believe that we hate our bosses and tease our coworkers incessantly.

In order to build a team, you need to address everyone’s deep-seated need to belong to a community and have a sense of deeper purpose. In order to do this, you need to instill the values of respect and trust. Without those, there is no chance for a team. This is what a good parents would do. It’s also what a good manager does.

You might begin with one of these sorts of activites: Purposeful and Playful Workshop Exercises and Strategies. These activities can provide a way to encourage respect through listening and open and honest commuication in the workplace. And they aren’t just ice-breakers. They can be used frequently.

In order to have a sense of a team, you need to find ways for people to do their jobs as individuals AND as team-members. If there is no need for them to act as a team, then they probably aren’t going to. You need to find ways for them to have the welfare of the team tied to their individual performance.

I’m sorry that I can’t provide a quick fix for this. It seems to me that with ways to build trust and increase respect in the workplace as well as ways to tie individual performance to the group need to be customized for your place. And you, the manager, are the best person to do this.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,

I told my direct reports that I was going to take them out to lunch to thank them for their hard work on a project. One of my reports came up and said, you shouldn’t take us out, we’re happy to pay for ourselves. Now, I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel this is part of my job, and I want to do it. However, this is a person who not only will refuse to take no for an answer, but she doesn’t hear you say no in the first place and beats it into the ground. I’ve seen people leave the room because she pushed things on them too much.

Here is an example conversation:

BH: I know you don’t know her very well but we’re all getting pizza to celebrate Nancy’s birthday, you’re welcome to join us.
ME: No thanks, I’m a little tired of pizza and I brought lunch from home.
BH: You should join us!
ME: No, really I have stuff to do at lunch.
{LATER}
BH: We have the pizza, come join us.
ME: No thanks.
BH: Oh come join us for a while, you can have a slice of pizza.
ME: Thanks, really, I have stuff to do.
BH: I’ll bring you a slice then, you can eat it at your desk.
ME: Oh I have lunch, but thanks.
BH: You can eat it later, I’ll bring you a slice.
ME: No really, I’m sick of pizza, I”ve had it four times in two weeks.
BH: Oh just one, I’ll bring it to you.
ME: I don’t want one, but thanks.
BH: I’ll just bring it and you can save it.
ME: BOBBLEHEAD, I REALLY DON’T WANT ANY, PLEASE!
BH: But…

That’s literally a verbatim conversation. So you can see what I’m up against.

–Wishes she could beat them with a cast iron skillet

Dear She Who Wields a Cast Iron Skillet –

I hear that you are saying no. I really do hear that. But BH (also known as Bobblehead) does not.

It seems like you are using at least two of the strategies from six ways to say no, including the “direct no,” and “the reasoned no.” It does seem that neither of these is working. Bobblehead doesn’t listen to reason (or she tries to reason with reason) and she doesn’t take a direct no as no.

I suggest trying “the broken record approach” with a polite, firm no. See how the conversation sounds?

BH: We have the pizza, come join us.
ME: No thanks.
BH: Oh come join us for a while, you can have a slice of pizza.
ME: No.
BH: I’ll bring you a slice then, you can eat it at your desk.
ME: No.
BH: You can eat it later, I’ll bring you a slice.
ME: No.
BH: Oh just one, I’ll bring it to you.
ME: No.
BH: I’ll just bring it and you can save it.
ME: No.
BH: But…

Saying no is powerful stuff (ask anyone with a toddler). It’s drawing our limitations and establishing our boundaries. BH is abusing both of those.

If the broken record approach doesn’t work, I suggest this statement:

“I know that you would like me to have a slice of pizza with you. You need to hear me. I said no. It is disrespectful to me as your boss when you don’t hear what I say. I said no and I meant it.”

Hard to do, but it may be necessary.

-Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

There is a woman in my office who is a very conservative, sensitive Christian. For Halloween, she was really bothered by the celebrations. Perhaps it was the slaughter of little animals in the kitchen. Just kidding. Seriously, she was bothered that we had decorations and a party. But for Christmas, she was all over the celebration thing. How can one bring better balance into the work place for celebrating holidays that have a religious base?

-Happy at Halloween

Dear Happy,

This is a good question. It’s also a difficult one.

You cannot change your coworker. You need to respect the fact that she celebrates Christmas and is bothered by Halloween. You can also try to understand this a bit more.

Some conservative Christians are not into pluralism or inclusivism. They’re into exclusivism. (It’s worth noting that most religions have at least one group of folks who think of themselves as having the exclusive rights to the Truth.) Their view is basically this: We got it right in our faith and everyone else is wrong. And not just wrong, but dangerously wrong because they’re partly or completely controlled by demons and/or Satan. Hence, Halloween is not a time to celebrate.

Should you try and change your coworker’s opinion? Absolutely not. You cannot point out that all holidays have pagan roots and that pagans are happy people who love nature and don’t sacrifice human beings. She’s not going to believe you.

It would be wise to develop an office policy involving HR and management and concerned workers that explored these issues. Every workplace is different. You need to consider how the party is celebrated, when it is celebrated (during the workday or not), and what the options are for those who don’t want to attend.

One solution?

Celebrate all holidays with an office sponsor. So if you’re the Halloween sponsor, you plan the office party outside the workday (during lunch or after work). If you’re not the sponsor, you can attend the party or choose not to. The party isn’t a requirement for work.

And, just because I found it amusing, I give you this:

Top Five Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

-Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,

The head of our company acts like a crass, frat boy. Recently they had an advertisement that was very offensive to me as a woman and as a Christian. Any suggestions on how to deal with him? He doesn’t really give any regard to the HR woman who I have also shared my objections with.

–Sick of frat boy antics

Dear Sick,

A long time ago, when I trained to be a geologist at field camp (a remote location in Montana with 12 men for every woman), one man insisted on wearing a particularly offensive T-shirt. The T-shirt advertised his fraternity and showed a large well-hung Squirrel-Man dragging off two drunk Squirrel-Women (presumably to go feed them acorns).

It had any number of rape-connotations, not to mention alcohol-abuse. Every woman at field camp was offended, we talked to him, we talked to those in charge. What happened? He wore the T-shirt more often.

What is the point? This was a pervasively misogynistic culture, which was not amenable to change. Certainly not from us. This sort of culture wears you down. It’s gradual. You don’t even notice it. And all of a sudden you’re deeply depressed and can only conceive of yourself as an about-to-be-raped-drunk-squirrel. The solution was to get out.

Is that the case in your workplace? I’m not so sure. I do know that culture is very hard to change, especially when those in charge maintain a fratboy mentality.

What can you do to change this culture? You need to try and balance your sense of justice with self-care. See if any of these options make sense for you.

1. Read up on what constitutes a hostile work environment. Consider if there are any other elements in your workplace that contribute to a hostile work environment. Think deeply about this. It’s a serious question.

3. Consider talking to the HR person again and framing your inquiry around questions based on your research rather than just concerns about the advertisement. If you do determine that there is a hostile work environment in place, there are any number of legal concerns that she should take seriously.

4. Consider aligning yourself with a sympathetic male at work and others who share your concerns. Consider asking this person to approach the management about the advertisment.

Good luck with this. My thoughts are with you,

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:

One of my co-workers and I discuss our Christian faith with each other in the work place. Other co-workers know I am a Christian. She is new to the faith and can talk about it with other co-workers to the point where it annoys them. As proselytizing is discouraged in our offices, I try to encourage her to talk to me anytime, but be aware that some people aren’t really open to her sharing. Any suggestions on what she can do to “share” without “sharing”?

–Shared Enough

Dear Shared Enough:

Do you know what happened when I discovered the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser? I wanted to tell everyone. It worked so well. It made cleaning the bathroom a joy. I wanted everyone to have one. I had never felt this way about a cleaning product before. I was ecstatic.

This is how people feel right before they proselitize. They feel they have their hands on something so good, so right, so perfect, that everyone needs to know about it.

But not very many people wanted to hear about my sponge. My mother didn’t. My husband didn’t either. Friends and neighbors thought I was a lunatic. Ah, but they did want to use my sparkling clean bathroom. Oh yes! I ended up bonding with other women who had found the sponge and appreciated it as I did.

Christianity affirms the common dignity of every human being,

And he made from one every nation of men to live on all the face of the earth (Acts 17:26 RSV).

This is something that immediately translates into a workplace value. Encourage her to treat all people with respect regardless of their religious beliefs.

Not everyone has to use the same sponge. Remember that. Some people already have a sponge that works just fine. They like their sponge. It makes them ecstatic too.

You’ve heard the expression, “Actions speak louder than words”? Remind your coworker of this. Encourage your coworker to demonstrate her values, but not necessarily talk about her beliefs to those who do not welcome the dialogue (I’m assuming this is a dialogue and not a lecture).

Off to buy more sponges,

Ms. Theologian

Ms. Theologian:A coworker, Bill, always comes in late. We all cover for him. I’m sick of Bill. How can I end this?

Dear Irked:

Ms. Theologian assumes you mean that you wish to end the practice of covering for Bill. This is simple. Just stop. The larger issue here is how we best work in a community with one another.

If your boss asks where he is, perfect your best shrug. If your boss asks again, just tell the truth: you fear he might be late.

Bill will only be on time if there are consequences for his lateness.

Of course, there are consequences for your actions too. Bill may be angry with you. Can you deal with that?

-Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I just started a job. I was unemployed for five months and I’m really grateful for it. The trouble is that I don’t have any vacation days accrued so I’m working pretty much through Christmas, December 23rd, 26th, 31st. I’m trying not to feel resentful….but you got any advice?

Dear Grateful –

Ms. Theologian advises gaining some perspective. Sometimes life is hard and we have to do things we don’t want to do. You are gainfully employed. Enjoy it.

All that stuff you see on TV and hear from people is just hype. Real life is getting up in the middle of the night to wipe vomit from your partner’s mouth. It’s illness and starvation. Real life is miscarriages and dead pets. It’s war and genocide. Real life involves people you love dying.

It is also penultimate joy and love and snuggling.

You can deal with working through the holidays.

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:My boss bought me a Christmas gift. I don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not obligated to buy her a Christmas gift, am I? I’m Jewish.

Dear Perplexed:

In the most ideal circumstances, gifts are authentic symbols of our thoughts and are given out of kindness, love, appreciation, or generosity. But workplaces are not necessarily ideal circumstances.

In the workplae, sometimes “Christmas gifts” are really end of the year holiday bonus gifts, so I don’t think you are obligated to reciprocate, especially since the gift comes out of a religious tradition that you do not belong to. I do think you are obligated to write a thank you note.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:Last year at the office holiday party, I got drunk (apple martinis). It was awful. This year, I’m tempted not to go at all. Any good excuses?

Dear Sober:

You could say that your AA meeting conflicts with it?

In general, Ms. Theologian does not drink at work events. She will drink with friends. It’s difficult when work events involve people that are friends, but as long as there are non-friends involved, it may be best to abstain. It’s not unheard of.

Soberly,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I work with this guy, Bob, and our boss, David, is a Buddhist, and Bob didn’t think he could deal with it because he’s a Christian. I told Bob he was an ass. What do you think?

Dear Annoyed:

David has Ms. Theologian’s sympathy.

Bob needs to take a deep breath and understand that there are different religions. There always have been. Many religions think they have the corner on the market on truth. They don’t. No doubt learning about other religions might broaden Bob’s world view, but Ms. Theologian is not sure how calling Bob an ass helped, eh?

–Ms. Theologian