14th May 2008
“Just Relax”
I have to admit that someone telling me to “just relax” is about as annoying as presumptions such as “I know how you feel” (You don’t. Even if you think you do) and “It’s a no brainer”* (It’s probably not). I don’t relax. I don’t seem capable to relaxation by external command.
But apparently the commandment”Just relax!” is also non-relaxing for others. Steve at All Things Workplace runs down two recent studies on relaxing, and why it may not be helpful to instruct someone to relax (particularly at work).
*”That’s a no brainer” is best said in a Massachusetts accent for the full effect.
I am so guilty of this. I usually deliver this advice in the form of an African proverb I read somewhere, “If there’s something you can do about it, why worry? If there’s nothing you can do about it, why worry?” Or I try to help the person problem solve. Chaplain training helped me with this a bit, and now I tend to ask questions and listen more than I used to, but that is one tough habit to break!
At least if you know that it can cause the opposite effect, you might be less likely to say it. I was really shocked that I wasn’t the only person this phrase seemed to cause to tense up.
I hate being told to “just relax” (almost as much as I hate being told to “calm down”).
Oh, Just Calm Down is another of my dreaded phrases that has the opposite effect! It’s the worst thing to say to someone who needs to relax and calm down. At least studies demonstrate that now….
You have to have a bit of an ego to instruct anyone to do anything, or to adopt a leadership tone. Those who would educate or attempt to do so are all slightly stuck in their own heads or at least stuck in their own grandiose notions of the importance of their own pet theories. That’s the reason why I wanted to be a college professor for a while–I was strange, I had a 100% confidence in my own abilities, and I was also quite full of myself.
So instructing someone to do much of anything is a risk. I’m a very thin-skinned individual and I prove myself to be a hypocrite every day.
One thing that I find useful and very simple when needing to reduce stress at work is deep breathing. About one minute of deep belly breathing really takes a lot of tension out of your system. I also like to play relaxation videos at http://www.relaxwithnature.com