07th Apr 2008
How Best to Welcome the Stranger?
I’m watching the first part of 3-part ideas for Growth, which addressing welcoming guests to church (or repelling fewer visitors). Oddly enough one of the hospitality exercises suggested is similar to one that I suggested, which is simply to visit a church you don’t know and see how you are received (they suggest pretending to be a visitor in your own church). This is something I’ve done a lot, and mostly experienced being ignored, but occasionally welcomed so heartily I become convinced that they think I’m someone else. So take a view at the video on welcoming, because I’d love to discuss it.
Part of what strikes me is how important it is to welcome the visitor in a way that she is comfortable with. For example, according to the video, if I visit this church, I first greet the minister outside, and then a volunteer table coordinator, and possibly another greeter or two, before sitting down (possibly accompanied by one of these volunteers), and then I get to introduce myself outloud to the whole church (I could provide an entire commentary on this practice, but it simply won’t die), make small talk with my seat neighbors in a formal time during the service, and then there’s coffee hour (Please no red cups). These folks are trying very hard, and believe what they’re doing is really important hospitality ministry and have experienced real growth, but I have to say that as it’s described, it would be too much for me. Jim and I’ve been welcomed this way, and it feels overbearing to us. Greet us once or twice, and we’re good; just don’t ignore us completely or try to become our new best friend. I’m not sure we’re that unusual.
Now there is a lengthy disclaimer at the beginning of the video that these are things that worked for this church, and may not work for your church. But how to reconcile the welcoming church model presented in the video, the important thinking behind it, and its success with the research that suggests that an overwhelming number of people surveyed prefer to slip in anonymously to a church the first time? Do they not know what’s good for them!? Do the survey results misrepresent their real wishes? I wonder what’s going on here. Thoughts?
A number of years ago, I attended a church for some six months (not a UU church). During that time, the only greeting I got was a few nods and a smile or two. I felt as though I didn’t belong there. I’m sure I wasn’t missed when I didn’t return.
As an introvert, I would feel somewhat uncomfortable with all of the greetings suggested by the video, but I do appreciate being noticed and I appreciate people asking me for my name. It’s hard to strike a proper balance, but we definitely need to get better at greeting guests and making them feel comfortable.
That’s true—only smiles and nods for six months is not very welcoming.
I’m wondering if there’s some sort of way to escalate how we welcome people so that it doesn’t come on so strong as it seems in the video. I’m sort of equally introverted-extraverted, and think that an increasing level of greeting and conversation would make me comfortable. Probably hard to orchestrate that though. Still wondering….
I’m a former member of Jefferson Unitarian Church which went from being a congregation of about 350 people a few years ago to being the largest congregation in the Mountain Desert District, at about 800+. They’re definitely doing something right. I would guess, knowing the people who are in the video, that they have good radar about introverts and scale back their enthusiasm to a level that’s more comfortable based on body language and receptivity. Otherwise they would be driving introverts away! And they don’t seem to be.
So perhaps how they are presenting it as a number of sort of checkpoints (minister greeting, desk, volunteer greeter) functions as more opportunities for them to use their radar and do an informal assessment of whether someone is seeming left out or needs to be greeted? That makes sense to me because it’s clear they’re doing something right, but as it’s explained, I want to hide under a pew, and I’m at least half an extravert.
I’ve always hated the “stand up and have everyone stare at you while you introduce yourself” moment, It seems to me that part of being welcoming should include not putting people under a spotlight. A friendly greeting at the door and having someone say hello at coffee time is all that I think most people hope for.
Agreed. I think that if the greatest fear of most people is public speaking, encouraging them to face that fear with a church of strangers isn’t particularly kind. I guess it benefits the congregation in some way as they all see the guest and have fodder to make small talk (e.g., “So you’re an engineer…”, but I’m not sure it benefits the guest. Plus, even when the guest is given an out (”please introduce yourself if you’re comfortable”), I’ve found the entire congregation rotates toward the new person. Oh, I could go on and on, and I don’t even mind public speaking.
It was only a few months ago that I was a first-time visitor at my church, and I think they do it pretty well. Most of the things you mention above were present–the minister outside the door, the visitors table, the greeter, etc–but it all felt pretty optional. I can be quite painfully shy in social situations like that, and I was really nervous before walking inside, but it got better. I scooted into the door while the minister was talking to somebody else, but once I was inside a very nice woman shook my hand. When I confirmed that I was new, she showed me the visitors table, and I got a folder. And I’m a total geek, so having a folder made me happy.
I got up the nerve to introduce myself the third time I went, and I did sort of feel like I was going to pass out but I survived. *g* I kept attempting to go to the coffee hour, but I’d feel out of place (not knowing anybody to talk to) and leave. About four weeks in, the minister explained during the service that the colored mugs were meant as a sign that you were a visitor and wanted people to come up to you. So, I tried that and had some nice conversations, which felt like a success on my part.
So, I think that all of the methods of visitor out-reach are good as long as they aren’t pursued too agressively. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to feel pressured to introduce myself on the first visit (or ever), so maybe that’s something that’s best for larger congregations where a new person won’t be very noticeable rather than smaller groups.
Yikes, sorry my comment here is so long!
It sounds like you were allowed to move ahead in a way in which you were comfortable, embroiderama! And I’m glad the coffee cup worked
At what point does the visitor initiate any conversation with the people at the church? I haven’t watched the video.
My church is so large, they only ask first timers to stand (at which point they are clapped for as a group). In other places, I’ve seen people quite eager to identify themselves. I like public speaking, but I don’t like to introduce myself when I’m visiting a church because I’m already a member elsewhere, but sometimes someone nudges me to do so anyway.
Every church I’ve ever been to (granted, it’s been a long time and 99% of them were Lutheran or Congregationalist) the minister stands at the back door and greets people as they process out–sort of like a receiving line. If you really, really don’t want to talk to him or her, you can slip past, but if you are new, they will greet you, talk to you for a few minutes, and there are always deacons standing nearby as well, who will introduce themselves. This seems to me to be the perfect amount of welcome.
Does this not happen anymore or something? Or is it a non-Unitarian practice? I’ve only ever been to one Unitarian church (yours, in fact, in high school.)
Also, my parents’ church has a “share the peace” time in the middle of the service. Everyone stands up, stretches, and shakes hands with the people near them. I think that works rather well, too.
@ Hafidha Ah, the nudge. I think both large and small churches do this introduction practice, but it’s sort of a matter of what the church wants.
@ GhostGirl I don’t think the pastor at the door at the end of the service is necessarily standard. Sometimes it’s done; sometimes it’s not. It’s a nice touch, but I think that often people feel visitors need something in the first few minutes rather than waiting 1-2 hours. Also, occasionally the minister ends up tied up by one person at the end…
GG - At my congregation, the ministers wait at the doors leading from the sanctuary to the narthex/lobby. We have about five sets of doors, and of course they only stand at one set; so one can easily bypass them if one wants. I see this more as a point of access for congregants, not newcomers.
For Newcomers, we have a Welcome Desk that they can approach - right at the beginning of service. They can pick up a name tag there, get a coupon to the bookstore if they sign the guestbook and for a free newsletter; receive a copy of UU World; ask questions, etc.
Then, during the service, newcomers are specifically welcomed, invited to stand if they want, and encouraged to check out the Social Hour downstairs after the service.
Downstairs, after the service, there is a Newcomer’s Table - for first timers, or people who’ve visited numerous times, but aren’t members yet. They can get more information there, part. the church’s programs, groups, UUism in general, other UU churches in the area, and membership process info. Downstairs is where all of the tables are, as well as the Art Wall, and the bookstore - so it’s convenient to point people to those things from the Newcomer’s Table. You can watch folks make their way to the Religious Education table, or PeaceMaker’s table, or Good Times table, or Young Adult Table, etc.
I’ve volunteered at Welcome Desk, Newcomer’s Table, and Young Adult Table over the years, and it’s pretty easy and nice. I think my church does a good job of welcoming new comers without being overwhelming. Just the fact that the church is so large means visitors tend to drift around and get a lay of the land without much handholding.
[…] […]