05th Oct 2007
Ms. Theologian attends funerals
Dear Ms. Theologian,
The father of one of my employees is dying. He lives in the area so the funeral will surely be local (I have never met him.) What are my duties as her manager to attend the wake/funeral/viewing/whatever? It seems to be common at this company to email funeral details to the department at large, but I am not so sure how many people from the company actually attend. I will say that I am a migrant from the West Coast and over there, such attendance was not at all expected. I’m not so sure if it is expected on the East Coast. I will of course circulate a card, but do I need to attend the wake (or whatever) as the manager of this employee, in addition to the emotional support I am already providing?Signed,
Had Enough of Funerals This Year
Dear Had Enough:
Setting aside the East Coast v. West Coast funeral behavior (interesting in and of itself), and focusing on the question at hand:
Should you attend the funeral for the father of one of your employees?
Yep.
Why? Because it’s erring on the side of kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion. Because the death of a parent is a huge deal. Because although funerals honor the deceased, the living still derive comfort and support (Ms. Theologian could argue this is in fact one of the primary purposes).
Yes, the bereaved are grieving and may seem oblivious to your presence. But you go, you say a few kind words, you squeeze their arm, you hug, and then you return to your daily life knowing that part of being in a community (including a workplace community) is honoring the changes in each other’s lives.
Ms. Theologian plans on attending your funeral, just so you know, because according to the age test, she is going to live to be 114,
-Ms. Theologian
P.S. If you would like to write to Ms. Theologian about a work-related problem, send an email to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.
P.P.S. Comments are on, if you have anything to add about funeral attendance.
Ms. Theologian, I liked your response. “Because it’s erring on the side of kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion”–that’s a good way of putting it.
I did stop short of telling her to make a casserole. That might have been more useful.
Some people entertain a morbid fear of death. Going to funerals only reminds them of their own mortality. I’ve always had a different take. Attending a funeral reminds me that I’m time-limited and that my earthly life could be over in a snap of the fingers. They inspire me to use the time I have left on earth to help others and to accomplish positive events, rather than wasting time worrying about things I cannot change, as I so often do.
the bereaved are grieving and may seem oblivious to your presence.
In addition to attending the funeral, a sympathy card is also appropriate. I cannot say how many times someone has thanked me for sending a card after a death in her/his family. Personally, I remember a crush of people I didn’t know at my father’s wake and funeral - but I kept the cards I received for about a year afterward as a reminder that people had cared about his life. It does not have to be extravagant. A simple card with an appropriate pre-printed sentiment, a handwritten “I’m so sorry for your loss,” and a signature will do.
I feel that way too (the inspiration of understanding limitations of time), Comrade Kevin.
Good point, Earthbound Spirit. And I’ll add that I think some of this is like teaching in that you don’t always know how much what you do means to people until years later (or never at all), but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.