30th Jan 2007
Ms. Theologian breaks up with you (gently)
Dear Ms. Theologian,
I’m trying to move up the ranks in an industry which is very competitive, but at the same time very communal since any success relies a lot on teamwork. In the last year, I have been working with a friend, co-producing projects. The relationship was very successful, until recently, when she took a more creative role in one of the projects.
It was by far the least enjoyable experience of my career. All the level-headedness and calm rationality she employed as the logistical producer, she completely forgot about as creative director. Bluntly, she was a tyrranical bitch. She would exclude me from any decision-making, then worse, she would tell everyone that “we” (that is the two of us) had made these decisions, most of the time were ones I strongly disagreed with. She was expecting everyone to work ten times harder than they had on any other project, simply because it was her baby. In the end, the project went way over budget (which luckily she is solely responsible for) and the end result is almost embarrassing, it’s so badly done.
We had a frank talk after the project was complete but I don’t feel like she listened to my advice. In fact, she thinks she was a great success in this new creative role and is talking about only doing this new job. Part of me wants to tell her every reason why she is terrible at this job, but the rest of me knows that it is not really my place and the best for me is to continue working on my own with creative people I actually believe in. The problem is that she wants to continue working with me in this capacity! I thought I had an out by telling her that I didn’t have a good time on this last project and that her relationship with her producer is very special so she needs to find someone who gets her. She has been looking for someone else, but the problem is that no one will work with her and she keeps defaulting back to me.
I need to maintain a civil relationship with her, only because she has so many ties that I don’t want to sever. So my question is, how do I keep this neat split from turning into a messy divorce?
Signed,
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Dear Breaking Up:
Ms. Theologian feels for you. She really does. She doesn’t like breaking up and she finds that managing “growing apart” is just as painful.
However, you know that you should not work with this woman in a creative capacity because
a. it is personally destructive to spend time with people who lie about you and your opinions;
b. “like attracts like” in business (so you will attract more unpleasant work with her or with others who like her); and
c. tyrannical bitches should not be rewarded with your cooperation.
You say that you’ve had a blunt talk with her. So now the problem is how exactly to break up with her. The quick way (in which you detail how horribly talentless she is so that she never speaks to you again)? Or the long way (in which you politely say no over and over again)?
Ms. Theologian knows the appeal of the detailed confrontation with her horribly talentless self. She knows you want to—but don’t, not just because she won’t hear you in the first place, but because it’s unworthy of yourself. And, god help us all, a detailed talk may create a monster who tries to destroy every other professional relationship that you have (see illustration of ferocious feline—no, I’m not saying women are catty, but picture this cat saying, “Vengeance shall be mine!”).
Now for the theological aspects of your question: Shouldn’t you forgive her for being gawdawful? No. She did not apologize. Forgiveness would be misplaced. Should you accept that she’s gawdawful in a creative capacity? Yes. You’ve seen the evidence, so to do any less would be naive. Should you resist the temptation to work with her again in a creative capacity? Absolutely, ma chere.
Your question is how do you keep a neat split rather than succumbing to a messy divorce?
You don’t work with her. You “manage” the break up. You just keep saying no. And, eventually, you will grow apart.
It has to be done,
-Ms. Theologian
P.S. If you want to query Ms. Theologian about a workplace issue, shoot her an email at ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.
