Filed under: notes
Dear Ms. Theologian,
I work in an extremely competitive place. It seems that a lot of people are unhappy and lonely. As a result, people gossip, act tough, and (the worst!) act superficial. Conversations are hollow. Few people say anything truly important.
I think the big thing is that people don’t really trust each other.
I am sensitive by nature and very easily affected. I avoid negative energy and I try hard to stay positive (I’m highly spiritual) but it’s a fight much of the time. I pray a lot.
Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks very much,
Sari
Dear Sari:
Ah, what a good question! Ms. Theologian has written about jealousy in the workplace before, but in that case, the jealousy was person-specific and not in the context of workplace culture. She’s written about offensive corporate culture before and shallowness too. But your question has a new twist–a jealous and shallow culture that you find offensive and deeply affecting.
Ms. Theologian’s first inclination (and that is often the one that is absolutely wrong) is to say that you have two options: actively work to make this workplace a better place to work or 2. look for a new job. The current path of just trying to survive through positive thinking and prayer seems to be making you alienated in a community of jealousy and mistrust.
But here’s the problem with Ms. Theologian’s first inclination: the first option is all about changing others to make the workplace better. And we all know that changing others rarely works. In the times where Ms. Theologian has tried to use the shear force of her will, her positiveness, her energy to invoke change, she has always ended up tired and depressed. Does this mean it doesn’t work? No, but it does mean that organizational change is tremendously difficult, if not impossible, without buy-in from others.
So what does Ms. Theologian believe now that she’s had some time to lambast herself for her first inclination. She thinks that you have three options: 1. changing yourself; 2. doing exactly what you’ve been doing; 3. finding a new job.
How can you change yourself so that you can work in this place? (setting aside the question of whether or not you should). You might try Tonglen meditation, which Ms. Theologian uses for all of her painful intrapersonal situations. This style of meditation can help you be more compassionate toward others, but also toward yourself. If you use this regularly, you may find work interactions less painful.
You could also continue to tread water in the job. Many people do this for years. It’s not actively killing you; it’s just wearing away at your soul. You could let it do that for a little while longer while you get your ducks in a row for your next move.
Now let’s take up the question of whether you should attempt to change yourself to be less affected at work. Should you? You seem to know yourself well. Is this job worth changing for? And most importantly, do you want to be the person that you will have to be to have this job?
-Ms. Theologian
P.S. If you’d like to write a letter to Ms. Theologian, send an email to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.