Filed under: notes
My mom called me three times at work today, mostly about Thanksgiving and whether or not I was bringing green beans with or without the crunchy onion topping, if my brother was bringing his fiancee, and whether three bottles of wine is enough for 12 people.
I have a learning disability that affects how I process information. My family knows this. But for the most part, they just think I’m stupid. My brother even called me stupid and only stopped when I turned 40. Mostly because he’s much older and I think he’s losing his memory.
I’m acting all skitzy about this. I can’t focus. I can’t get any work done. All I think about is Thanksgiving and seeing my brother and my mean cousins and my crazy aunt Mel. It’s just all too much.
But the bottom line is that my work is affected. What do I do?
-More Wine?
Dear Wine:
Let’s start with the simple stuff. Three bottles of wine is not enough for this situation regardless of how many people are attending.
That feeling that you have when you consider Thanksgiving? It’s dread. But do not fear because it’s shared by many other people as they contemplate Turkey Day. For example, as a vegetarian, Ms. Theologian finds the whole turkey obsession exceptionally sick. But usually she keeps her opinions on that to herself.
Now there’s tons of wifely tips for making Thanksgiving run smoothly (make lists! assign seating! use disposable pans! clean the fridge!). But you didn’t ask Martha about the food, you asked Ms. Theologian about the emotions. Here are Ms. Theologian’s suggestions.
1. Watch Jodi Foster’s Home for the Holidays, which captures the madness that is adults returning to their families. This is actually one of the most revealing, most telling movies Ms. Theologian has ever seen about family relationships. The best part is that the movie allows you to open up and recognize that weird dysfunctional families are everywhere.
2. Limit your exposure to toxins. And by toxins, I mean the brother and the mean cousins. That means that if you can handle 3 hours, then go for only 3 hours. Ms. Theologian thinks part of the trauma of this holiday is that a. it involves the kitchen and food and most of us have any number of hang-ups about these areas, and b. it goes on forever stretching over the course of three or four days. It doesn’t need to. Haul yourself off the sofa and just leave.
3. If the situation seems abusive, and certainly being called “stupid” qualifies, just don’t go. Ms. Theologian knows that’s totally against the American attitude of forgiveness, love, and marshmallows, but honestly, fuck that. Life is too short for assholes. Amy Dickinson addresses this in Ask Amy,her column, from today too.
4. Consider Tonglen breathing, in which you make that which is poison relief. I think if rather than avoiding pain and suffering you address it, breathe into it, you will be able to focus on your work.
xo
Ms. Theologian
P.S. If you’d like to write to Ms. Theologian, send an email to ms dot theologian at gmail dot com.