Ms. Theologian—

My workplace is shallow. All the women I work with are consumed with pedicures, manicures, shopping, and their children’s appearances. I’m interested in traveling and new experiences and different cultures, but I’m up against people who take sick days to make their tits bigger. Any suggestions for bridging the gap short of finding a new job?

-Deeper than This

Dear Deeper than This:

First, thank you for mentioning “tits” because my number of hits will skyrocket. You can’t imagine what the letter from the young graduate who suggested going naked did to my sitemeter.

In any case, I will tell you a story.

When I was training as a chaplain, I had a patient who was about my age, had a stroke and was trying to figure out how to go back to “normal” life. One of my particular growing edges in ministry was finding ways to go deeper with people. I was fine with small talk. I can talk about pedicures forever (and I don’t even get pedicures). But when it came to get to the deeper issues (i.e., Why did this happen to me? Where is God when I’m suffering? Why is this so hard?), I have more trouble.

So this patient and I had long chats about orthodonture (we both had braces as teenagers), chewing gum (I kid you not), and boyfriends. And this went on way too long until she did something that I am very grateful for. She created an opening for me. She asked how I was doing with chaplain training and I told her: This is hard, I work full time, I go to school full time, I’m struggling with everything right now, including my relationship with my dog.

And opening up to her allowed her to share her fears: that her boyfriend wouldn’t find her attractive, that her parents wouldn’t let up with the constant attention, that she would never fully recover, that she would have another stroke, that she wouldn’t be able to go back to work soon enough to pay bills and have to borrow more money.

The point, Deeper than This, is that people often bond over shallow things (”OMG, you have blonde hair! *I* have blonde hair too! Who’s your colorist?”) but that doesn’t mean they can’t go deeper. You just need to find the opening. And this doesn’t mean that you need to unburden yourself to someone. Just share something, something that makes you more vulnerable, and I would be surprised if there isn’t reciprocation.

–Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you would like to write to Ms. Theologian, send an email to ms DOT theologian AT gmail DOT com.

Dear Ms. Theologian:

–Sighing in Saskatchewan

Dear Saskatchewan:

If you’re not engaged by your work, you’re probably not going to be successful at it. (There are exceptions, of course.)

I think it’s time to explore other kinds of work. Life is too short to be frustrated at a job you don’t particularly like. You’re going to to probably feel some grief at letting go of the idea of being a salesperson, but I also think you may feel a strong sense of liberation at the endless potential within you for other work.

So what else could you do? You don’t mention your talents, but we all have them. Finding a calling is one of the most important things we can do with our lives:

Even if you don’t believe that a higher power has given you a destiny on earth, every human being has the capacity to find what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihaly calls “flow”–the total engagement with some sort of problem solving, from climbing mountains to writing computer programs to knitting, that causes a person to lose track of time. Flow activities give people their happiest moments, and these activities are intrinsically rewarding, regardless of any greater meaning. The point of a life-changing job hunt is to find work that provides flow.

Where should you start? The Myers-Briggs test is widely used in career planning circles and can help you identify fields in which you might find more satisfaction, success, and flow. While you keep your day job temporarily, you might also consider volunteering in a field you find interesting. Often volunteer work can shift to employment.

Any other suggestions or experiences about finding your true calling(s)?

Best Wishes,

Ms. Theologian

P.S. If you wish to write to Ms. Theologian, send an email to ms DOT theologian AT gmail DOT com.

Ms. Theologian –

I work in a place of mostly men (I’m a guy too). Some of my coworkers have these industry calendars from a trade show that feature women in bikinis. I don’t have one and am being pressured to put one up (a calendar just showed up in my cube the other day, and when I tossed it, another showed up again).

I thought that tossing the calendars would end the issue, but the other guys really seem to think it’s important.

–Calendar-free

Dear Calendar-Free –

It’s interesting to Ms. Theologian that the only way that these male coworkers seem to be secure in their masculinity is by posting calendars of women who have to be paid to take off most of their clothes (an assumption on my part, perhaps they enjoy it sans $).

You have a few options:

1. Being direct. “Guys, I’m just not into worshipping women who have to be paid to show me their bodies.” Perhaps you could add, “Hey, I don’t have to pay for that.” If that’s true. Ahem.

2. The old Blaming your wife (or girlfriend or boyfriend, for that matter) technique. “Guys, my wife would kill me if she saw this!” In which case you may be teased for other reasons.

3. Talking to someone in HR. Depending on HR, this may or may not be helpful. I’ve never found this helpful, but others have.

4. Just throwing the calendars away. Yes, this particular technique does seem leftover from nursery school, but it’s effective. Tossing the calendar and having no reaction gives them no pleasure. If you react, they get what they want and probably more material to tease you about.

Other opinions?

Alienation in the workplace is pretty common, as I’ve found in another letter (to be posted later). But addressing it in some fashion may make you feel better.

–Ms. Theologian (July 2006)

P.S. To write to Ms. Theologian about a work-related problem, send an email to Ms DOT Theologian AT gmail DOT com.

Dear Ms. Theologian:

Would naked be better?

Dear Naked Preference:

No one ever asks Ms. Theologian for fashion advice. No one. The only person she’s allowed to dress is herself, and occasionally, her husband. And they live rurally where they can offend no one with their Tevas, tanks, and shorts.

You are better off reading Peace Bang’s Beauty Tips for Ministers (and the rest of us).

Ms. Theologian can tell you this though:

Most people find that dressing like their colleagues is the way to go. So look around at what your boss and coworkers wear. Chances are that’s the direction to go in if you want to fit in with the industry. And, if you don’t, well, the world is your oyster.

And thrift stores are your friends. Has Ms. Theologian mentioned the $6 Italian leather jacket she purchased recently at her local thrift store? Would that be the norm, my friends! That’s the ultimate in recycling and you are automatically 90% forgiven for any clothes you may have purchased in earlier stages of your life that were made by children in China.

And no, naked would not be better. Trust me with this—most of the people who want to see you naked will not spark a reciprocal desire on your part.

–Slovenly,

Ms. Theologian

P.S. To write to Ms. Theologian about a work-related problem, send an email to Ms DOT Theologian AT gmail DOT com.

There is a new installment in the annals of loneliness. Americans are not only lacking in bowling partners, now they’re lacking in people to tell their deepest, darkest secrets. They’ve hunkered down even more, their inner circle often contracting until it includes only family, only a spouse or, at worst, no one.

And that is something the Internet may help ease, but is unlikely to cure.

A recent study by sociologists at Duke and the University of Arizona found that, on average, most adults only have two people they can talk to about the most important subjects in their lives — serious health problems, for example, or issues like who will care for their children should they die. And about one-quarter have no close confidants at all.

Here’s the article, The Lonely American, from the New York Times.

How many people can you truly talk to?

This is the last post about what’s going on in the Progressive Faith Blog Carnival this week.

The Feminiarian contemplates babies, insurance, and putting things off.

Boy in the Bands explains things about men’s shaving that I never knew.

Baraita explains the use of the term Orthodox Judaism.

Another Country takes a social value survey (and it’s Canadian).

A Wayfarer’s Journey posts about an issue I’m way too familiar with: the crashing hard drive.

What I really hate is when people (mostly men) tell women what to wear.

Yet I always read Beauty Tips for Ministers because she’s so entertaining.

She links to this article, Are Flip-Flops damaging to your career?

Apparently flip flops are so bad that they are a sign of the second coming.

Good thing they don’t mention Tevas. I guess I’m totally safe. Also, not a minister.

While creating the Progressive Faith Blog carnival this week, I found this quote from the homily preached by the Rt. Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop-elect of the Episcopal Church USA, at the Closing Eucharist June 21st at General Convention in Columbus, Ohio on Blog of the Grateful Bear:

“Can we dream of a world where all creatures, human and not, can meet each other in a stance that is not tinged with fear?”

Full Homily here.

Along the same lines, Alexi Murdoch sings in It’s Only Fear:

It’s only fear, only fear, it’s only fear,
Yes it’s only fear, only fear, it’s only fear,
Yes it’s only fear, only fear, it’s only fear,
That keeps you locked in here

The Progressive Faith Blog Carnival continues (scroll down for more from yesterday).

This week in progressive faith blogging:

Planet Grenada informs us that racial profiling results in overlooking an Amish Drug Ring.

Mainstream Baptist summarizes what the end of the housing bubble means for ordinary folks.

Lo-Fi Tribe contemplates the dark night of the soul and creates a template for daily meditation.

Leading or Led contemplates why we love to fight and how to embrace peace.

J spot (Jews * Justice) explores calling Wal-Mart’s bluff.

Jesus was a liberal posts Lucifer’s instructions to Ann Coulter.

And more to come. Scroll down for the first post and wait a few hours for the final installment.