22nd Jun 2006
Question #3 from Katie
I continue to answer Katie’s* questions.
3) Do you have one specific example of your daily behaviour that you know is influenced by your studies in theology?
Hmmm…theological education isn’t necessarily the sort of thing that changes your coffee preference to tea or lengthens your skirts or makes you find spirituality in dirty laundry. On a daily basis, I pay more attention to my breath, to the chattering of my mind, I meditate and pray more.
However, theological education, in particular, ministry and seminary, made me aware of the presence of narcissists in my own life (you know who you are, but I know you’re not reading my blog because that, my friend, is contrary to the nature of a narcissist). Not only in my personal life, but in my professional life at divinity school and at work in churches and hospitals. I’ve never met a group of people that were so interested in themselves before I went to divinity school.
Dr. Vaknin wrote a book about narcissists. In an interview, he says (in response to How do you recognize a narcissist?):
It is close to impossible and that is the secret of their astounding success. Narcissists are good actors. They are adept at charming others, persuading them, manipulating them, or otherwise influencing them to do their bidding. Narcissists are preoccuopied with grandiose fantasies unrealistic plans. They are poor judges of reality. They are bullies and often resort to verbal and emotional abuse. They exploit people and then discard them. They have no empathy and regard their co-workers as mere instruments objects, tools, and sources of adulation, affirmation, or potential benefits.
Sounds like a charming work environment, no? It has only been recently that I realized that this was one of my troubles in divinity school.
For example, say I want to make a comment in class at divinity school. Now, normally raising one’s hand is the appropriate way to start the process. But narcissists don’t yield the floor to anyone and they interrupt others at will. It was close to impossible to participate in any discussions in divinity school because the narcissists would be fighting for floor time. One man in particular, who was a semi-famous artist turned seminarian loved to “enthrall” us by giving examples about how insightful he was, how much he loved his wife, what a great feminist he was, what a great father he would be….until another narcissist interrupted him with the same sort of bullshit.
And it wasn’t like it was over after divinity school. These people would have been my colleagues for the rest of my life. That’s not to say that everyone was like this. But the non-narcissists were in the minority while the narcissists entertained themselves building monuments to themselves (also known as churches).
So spirituality aside, self-care is at the root of everything to do with being human. And staying away from narcissists is one of my primary life strategies now. I had no idea before divinity school. And now I do.
*Interview Guidelines
1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me” ONLY IF: I have either met you or exchanged emails with you before, AND if you have a blog.
2. I will respond with five questions (found in the comments section). I pick the Q’s.
3. You will update your blog with the answers
4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else
