Dear Ms. Theologian,

I told my direct reports that I was going to take them out to lunch to thank them for their hard work on a project. One of my reports came up and said, you shouldn’t take us out, we’re happy to pay for ourselves. Now, I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel this is part of my job, and I want to do it. However, this is a person who not only will refuse to take no for an answer, but she doesn’t hear you say no in the first place and beats it into the ground. I’ve seen people leave the room because she pushed things on them too much.

Here is an example conversation:

BH: I know you don’t know her very well but we’re all getting pizza to celebrate Nancy’s birthday, you’re welcome to join us.
ME: No thanks, I’m a little tired of pizza and I brought lunch from home.
BH: You should join us!
ME: No, really I have stuff to do at lunch.
{LATER}
BH: We have the pizza, come join us.
ME: No thanks.
BH: Oh come join us for a while, you can have a slice of pizza.
ME: Thanks, really, I have stuff to do.
BH: I’ll bring you a slice then, you can eat it at your desk.
ME: Oh I have lunch, but thanks.
BH: You can eat it later, I’ll bring you a slice.
ME: No really, I’m sick of pizza, I”ve had it four times in two weeks.
BH: Oh just one, I’ll bring it to you.
ME: I don’t want one, but thanks.
BH: I’ll just bring it and you can save it.
ME: BOBBLEHEAD, I REALLY DON’T WANT ANY, PLEASE!
BH: But…

That’s literally a verbatim conversation. So you can see what I’m up against.

–Wishes she could beat them with a cast iron skillet

Dear She Who Wields a Cast Iron Skillet –

I hear that you are saying no. I really do hear that. But BH (also known as Bobblehead) does not.

It seems like you are using at least two of the strategies from six ways to say no, including the “direct no,” and “the reasoned no.” It does seem that neither of these is working. Bobblehead doesn’t listen to reason (or she tries to reason with reason) and she doesn’t take a direct no as no.

I suggest trying “the broken record approach” with a polite, firm no. See how the conversation sounds?

BH: We have the pizza, come join us.
ME: No thanks.
BH: Oh come join us for a while, you can have a slice of pizza.
ME: No.
BH: I’ll bring you a slice then, you can eat it at your desk.
ME: No.
BH: You can eat it later, I’ll bring you a slice.
ME: No.
BH: Oh just one, I’ll bring it to you.
ME: No.
BH: I’ll just bring it and you can save it.
ME: No.
BH: But…

Saying no is powerful stuff (ask anyone with a toddler). It’s drawing our limitations and establishing our boundaries. BH is abusing both of those.

If the broken record approach doesn’t work, I suggest this statement:

“I know that you would like me to have a slice of pizza with you. You need to hear me. I said no. It is disrespectful to me as your boss when you don’t hear what I say. I said no and I meant it.”

Hard to do, but it may be necessary.

-Ms. Theologian