Filed under: letters
Dear Ms. Theologian –My husband and I are considering having children. Do we tell anybody that we’re actively trying, once we are? (We’re not now.)
If we are successful, when and how do we tell different groups of people, particularly those at work? I have a great fear of miscarriage and would rather not have to tell and then “untell” a load of people (and the inevitable person who hears the good news and not the bad and then asks how things are going…).
Also, having a baby is a very personal thing, but it becomes a very public thing too - people who would never touch you, otherwise, putting their hands on your stomach (some without invitation, I’m sure). Might rather keep it private as long as possible - especially at work. Though if there’s any morning sickness, they’ll be guessing anyway - but at least they probably won’t say anything to me about it, just each other!
–Not actively trying
Dear Not Active –
First, Ms. Theologian thanks you for bringing images of rutting to mind before 9 a.m.
Second, while she is spectacularly unqualified to comment on this issue, she will nevertheless press on into previously unexplored theological territory. She welcomes comments from those who are more qualified.
This seems primarily an issue of community and of boundaries. She is not sure anyone needs to know that you’re actively trying to have children, though for some reason parents seem comforted by this concept (Why? Probably because it is essentially family-building, which is community-building).
Once you conceive, you might consider telling people closest to you, simply for advice (if you want it) and support and community (if you need it). Once you start to show or post-three-month-mark (or once you and your doctor have less of a concern about miscarriages), you might consider telling work folks, if your work environment is a supportive caring place that won’t lay you off (see earlier letter from Happy and Unemployed). The classic advice is to put off this moment of divine revelation at work as long as possible, but, as you point out, if you are leaving meetings to vomit or carrying around Saltine packages, it may become rather obvious.
If you would like, Ms. Theologian will speculate about your womb and its carrying capacity, just for the hell of it. 
–Ms. Theologian Sans Bulge