Surviving the Workday

Dear Ms Theologian:There is a woman I supervise who tends to get overwrought about things and works a lot of overtime because she tends to waste time on things that are unnecessary, but that she is overwrought about. I am working on keeping her from doing all that unnecessary work.

Dear Not Yet a Supporter:

Ms. Theologian thinks that your job as a manager is to support your people in just about any way you can (other than abject whoring). So if you’re not supporting this woman (in front of her and behind her back), you’re not doing your job.

Have you ever noticed that most people have some sense if people are talking about them behind their backs? People sense this sort of thing consciously and unconsciously. It’s degrading and it can’t possibly make the problem better.

Because your boss engages in this sort of behavior, Ms. Theologian thinks it’s time for a chat with the boss to bring the boss in on your side,

“Boss, you know I’m managing Ms. Overwrought and focusing on stopping her from completing unnecessary work and managing her time better. (Include details here).

And I know that you are supporting me in that work. One of the challenges for her is that her work is not supported by others (for some very good reasons) and that makes the problem worse (include details here). I want to stop talking about her in these ways (include details here). Can you help me in doing this?”

You have Ms. Theologian’s sympathy. She only manages one person, that would be her dog (Do you want to know how many times Ms. Theologian had to instruct the dog to sit for the photo below? Many), and she does a very poor job of that. You can do better.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,I often have to travel for work. Typically, I enjoy travel but when I am by myself and on the job, I find airports, airplanes, and hotels lonely and often hostile environments. In fact, I often have a great deal of anxiety in these situations. So much so that I find sleeping and relaxing difficult.

Dear Flight:

The trick with anxiety is managing it all the time, not just managing it when trying to relax or at night. How do you keep your anxiety level low?

1. Check in with yourself often. Ms. Theologian LOVES The Soul of the World, which is a modern book of hours with prayers every three hours and beautiful photos. It’s small enough to fit in a briefcase (or purse).

2. Avoid triggers. Have you identified what makes you anxious? Not just traveling or hotels, but specific circumstances. Ms. Theologian HATES eating alone while traveling so she always has dates. And by dates, she means friends, not anonymous sex, just in case you were wondering. Anonymous sex would be one of her triggers (oooh, anxiety is already rising, stop, stop, and think of rubbing dog’s belly instead, yes, much more calm).

3. Choose comforting images to guide you. One of Ms. Theologian’s favorite images is that she sleeps in the palm of God (And thank you to Carlos, a priest with whom Ms. Theologian went to divinity school, who gave this image to the class). Ms. Theologian isn’t really sure that God knows that Ms. Theologian is in her/his/its palm during the night, but she’s okay with that. She has even found similar images in other cultures.

A Sudanese Evening Prayer

Now that the sun has set,
I sit and rest, and think of you.
Give my weary body peace.
Let my legs and warms stop aching,
Let my nose stop sneezing,
Let my head stop thinking.
Let me sleep in your arms.

From Prayers at 3 A.M. (out of print, but sometimes available used).

Rest well,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:I have another question regarding bathroom habits of co-workers. What if you notice that a co-worker (presuming you don’t work in an establishment that serves food or drink in which employees are REQUIRED to wash hands) does not wash his/her hands after using the facilities? Is it okay to call them on it since they are potentially touching the same phone, computer, conference room table, door knob, etc. as you are?

Dear Fearful (of urine),

In terms of public health, washing hands is much like wearing condoms–everyone knows that he/she should, but many people don’t. It’s a similar temptation–how do you get people to do something they should do, but that is slightly inconvenient or uncomfortable even in the interest of the public good?

I’m not sure.

I suppose it might be okay to call someone on not washing her hands. But here’s how that might go. Picture two women at double sinks in the bathroom.

Fearful (in a polite informative tone): Hey, I noticed you didn’t wash your hands….
Coworker: What?
Fearful: (in a similar helpful tone) I noticed that you didn’t wash your hands after using the bathroom.
Coworker: What’s it to you?
Fearful: Well, that’s how diseases are spread.
Coworker: Mind your own business! (Other responses include Shut the fuck up! And possibly, Back off bitch!)

Ms. Theologian had a coworker who did in fact post informative information on the mirror in the women’s room after noticing that certain coworkers NEVER washed their hands. The poster lasted (and encouraged some gossip) for years.

If you honestly think that pointing out a flaw in someone else’s behavior will correct the behavior, then by all means go right ahead.

But Ms. Theologian has discovered that most people don’t like additional criticism in their lives, especially Ms. Theologian. You might as well talk to you boss and possibly launch a public education campaign, which seems to be the approach of the cdc. Check out the Hand Hygiene Resource Center or the Clean Hands Coalition.

Just so you know, Ms. Theologian just washed her hands and used a condom (Second part is a joke. Mostly)

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,I must confess: I am in love with my boss. She’s married.
The upside of this is that I feel motivated to do a great job.
The downside is well…you can guess.

Dear Lusty:

Hmmm… Ms. Theologian must first congratulate you on your work ethic. She also imagines that you are a snappy dresser in the workplace.

However, Ms. Theologian is left to infer a couple of things from your letter, including that:

a. you aren’t sure how your boss feels about you;
b. you aren’t married or involved in a relationship; and
c. you can find another job fairly easily in this economy.

She’s going to base her reply on these inferences, which might be wrong, but here it goes….

You need to stop this. It is not the path to love. It is close to the path to hell (at least your own personal emotional hell). Love involves intimacy. It involves knowing your partners greatest fears, joy, shame, snoring patterns, and possibly bowel movements. It’s f-ing scary. Being in love with your boss keeps you in a place where you don’t have to be intimate and you are emotionally unavailable to someone else (someone single).

(As far as confrontation goes, how do you imagine the confrontation going?

You: I think I’m in love with you.
Boss: (blushing) OMG, I feel the same way about you.
You: You do?
Boss: Do me here. On the desk.

Granted, this assumes that your boss isn’t the same person who wrote the letter about too much clutter on her desk. Now THAT would be a good reason to clear off your desk top.)

Ms. Theologian won’t lecture you on the sanctity of marriage, but frankly she would find it easier if her husband could go to the dentist without the dentist (a blonde bombshell) telling him he looked like Superman while she wields her drill at his molars. Catch my drift? Stay away from married folks. They aren’t supposed to be options for love. They’re considered taken.

So your question is whether you should find a new job. Yes. You should. And as you drive away, you should listen to any album by EmmyLou Harris. The good news? You can find someone for yourself to be intimate with who won’t judge your work. At least not at work.

–Respectfully,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,I have several pictures of my family, a ceramic paperweight my daughter made me, my sacred stone, a candle, and a plant on my desk. My boss has complained to me about all my doo-dads and wants me to clear my desk. What do I do?

Dear Anonymous:

This is Ms. Theologian’s desk. She has far more on the mere windowsill than you describe on your entire desk. Ms. Theologian thinks your boss has way too much time on her hands.

If you really want to remove doo-dads, you could categorize your doo-dads by symbolic value and remove one from each category.

For example,

plant — symbol of nature or the outdoors
sacred stone — possibly also symbol of nature

family photos — symbol of love from family
ceramic paperweight — possibly also a symbol of love from family

candle — symbol of pyromaniacal tendencies….

You get the picture.

Ms. Theologian wants to know why your boss cares. Is there a bigger issue?
–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian,I have witnessed a co-worker taking cash from the petty-cash drawer. What should I do?

Dear Anonymous –

First, please feel free to choose a name. Something like “Seeing, But Not Telling” or “Frightened To Open My Mouth,” or possibly “Wants to Steal Too Once I Saw How Easy It Was.”

Second, Ms. Theologian assumes that the coworker was stealing and not just taking cash to replace money the coworker put out first. Do you know this for sure? Because Ms. Theologian tries to expect the best out of people (yes, she is often disappointed, but it’s better than thinking homo sapiens suck).

All right then. This question is mainly about how we live in community with one another. It would be nice if we lived honestly and respectfully, but then Ms. Theologian is sort of an idealist as we have discussed above.

Anyway, she sees that you have three options:

a. telling a supervisor, “Boss dude, I saw Coworker take money from the cash drawer.” And the Boss will think that you’re a tattler or a brown noser and may fire your coworker. I’m not in favor of this option simply because it abdicates responsibility, that is your responsibility for being in a community, and places it on your boss.

b. telling the coworker, “Dude, I was hanging around yesterday at the copy machine and I saw you go into the cash drawer.” The coworker will blush, stammer, and deny this. And possibly hate you for the rest of your life. But not steal within your eyeshot again, better believe that, ya. This at least acknowledges that you did see something.

You might be able to go in the back way, “Dude, is something wrong? Because yesterday while hanging out at the copy machine….” This might even open the door for dialogue. Because maybe your coworker was starving to death and didn’t want to ask for a loan. Or maybe your coworker is secretly buying his sister who was sold into slavery. You never know.

c. doing nothing….appealing, no? This is appealing until you realize that it may happen again, and again.

Find a way to say something. What you say depends on your relationship with your coworker. Or find a way to live without saying anything. It’s actually that simple.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. TheologianI work full time and have just recently picked up a part time job to pay off some bills. How can I balance the two jobs? The full time job people wouldn’t be too keen on knowing I have another job.

Dear Anonymous –

Theologically (and we do know this is a pretentious way to begin a sentence), Ms. Theologian thinks there are two main issues here: fear and liberation.

In order to even interview for a part-time job, you needed to conquer fear–fear of losing your first job, fear of being without money, fear of debt collectors. Recognizing that you needed to do this must have been difficult and you should feel good about yourself.

(Ms. Theologian agrees with you about not telling the first job about the second job. It’s none of their business. She assumes that the schedules don’t overlap, because that would be a challenge.)

As far as liberation, virtual enslavement by debt (particularly evil credit card companies) is certainly one of the challenges of modern life. But the wonderful thing with liberation is that once you are free, you are free (picture Ms. Theologian flitting around in her own dance of joy). And being free of debt (particularly bad and unnecesary debt) is a wonderful thing.

Based on her own experience, Ms. Theologian would recommend this:

a. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to rest when you need to, eat regularly, go to bed as early as you can, and banish negative thoughts with mantras like, I’m getting out of debt, I’m helping myself, I’m a good, strong person doing the right thing. Something along those lines.

(Please avoid the temptation to berate yourself. Ms. Theologian is prone to such interior monologues, “How could I let this happen? God, I’m so stupid. This is really insane. I can’t do this. I suck.” Ms. Theologian hopes by revealing her monologue of low self-esteem that you will see how unhelpful it truly is. No one functions well this way. Use the positive mantra, my friend, use the mantra.)

b. Set up short term goals and a time frame. Figure out how much you need to save or pay off each week and give yourself a little reward when you save that amount. Set an overall time frame to do this as well. Do not plan to do this forever.

c. Do not fritter. By this, I mean that there are a lot of time- and money-sucks in the world, including, but not limited to IMing, eating out, and new clothes. A little of these–totally fine. Doing any of these all the time–most of us would be broke and fired.

d. Find a moment of quiet every day. Just find a moment (even in the bathroom stall, if there is no other place) to just be and let your mind rest.

Let me know how it goes. And don’t skip those steps.

–Admiringly,

Ms. Theologian

An exploration of the pagan origins of Santa.

The Countdown to Christmas begins!

And we’re not talking about gifts, people. We’re talking about spirituality preparation.

Clickable Advent Calendar

Feeling less than Adventy? Take the Holiday Stress Quiz.

You’re not alone.

If you’ve ever meditated (or tried to meditate), you’ve no doubt been a bit surprised at the jumpiness (and randomness) of your “monkey mind.” And that’s at a time when you’re trying to clear your head! Imagine what goes on in there when you’re not paying attention.

For a different way to think of the myriad of thoughts that cross your mind (during the weekday and weekend), check out the daily dharma:

Daily Dharma

is coming on January 1, 2006.

Bridge of Light

A celebration of the full equality and dignity of all people.

Dear Ms. Theologian–I am a jealous bitch. I cringe typing this, but it’s true.

Dear Jealous:

Let Ms. Theologian remind you of this:

Life is hard for everyone.

It doesn’t always seem this way, but it is true.

Let’s engage in a thought experiment (Einstein used these to develop his theory of special relativity, so you are in good company). Say you are twentysomething. Picture your apartment. Did you envision a spacious studio with bright light and hardwood floors? Think again. That was Ally McBeal and even she had a roomie. Most folks can’t come close to affording that and live with several roommates, who have a variety of personal habits that seem fairly annoying (too many cats, not flushing, sticking garlic in ears to keep away vampires, and I’m just drawing from personal experience).

Now think of why you are drinking those vodka martinis: Loneliness and social uncomfortability as you navigate a difficult bar scene trying to find Mr. Right.

Finally, think of those butt-crack pants and the special low rise underwear you must purchase at Victoria’s Secret. (What’s Victoria’s Secret? She’s f-ing uncomfortable.)

Rejoice in this, Jealous, you have already found what most twentysomethings in your office are looking for. You are comfortable.

Second, (and more seriously) have you ever used a mantra? This is a phrase that you can repeat during the day (hundreds, thousands!) of times, particularly when you find yourself eavesdropping in a bathroom stall trying to figure out what happened at the bar Thursday night to those coworkers.

A suggested mantra (or write your own):

I love my kids. I love my husband. I chose this life and I love it.

Repeat it to yourself often. The vodka martinis, butt-crack pants, and dates are just static. Tune it out. This is your life.

–Ms. Theologian

It’s Annual Buy Nothing Day, November 25, 2005.

Never heard of it?

You’re not alone.

Resist the frenzy. Take a deep breath and hug your family instead. They can’t be bought, but few advertisers will ever tell you that.

This is a prime example of how spirituality and the workplace intersect. Money from work can be channelled (or saved!) rather than spent for the sake of spending or in an attempt to feel accepted, loved, or fulfilled.

Nothing wrong with buying a gift–just do it in a mindful fashion.
Buy Nothing Day

Let us come together on thanksgiving and rejoice in the bounty of the good earth and in the loving-kindness which unites us into one human family.

Let us call to remembrance all people who have come to our land on pilgrimage, endured great hardships, lived together after their harvest and offered praise and thanksgiving for their deliverance from the wilderness.

Let us honor the freedom and justice so dearly bought by passing it on.

As our bodies are renewed at the Thanksgiving table, so let our spirits be renewed by the act of giving thanks.

And in the days that follow, when the holiday week-end is over and we turn our hearts toward Christmas, let us preserve the spirit of gratitude in our words and deeds –speaking and acting for justice and fairness in every realm of our lives.

Amen.

from
Roberta Finkelstein’s sermon, Are You Scared of Scarcity?

Dear Your Holiness:Getting back to my question from Monday….What do you do if you identify your passions and all the possible intersections with society’s needs and you’d still rather be miserable in your current job than make yourself miserable about your own passions?Is it that you just haven’t found the right intersection?

Ms. Theologian would first like to remind you that it is almost Thanksgiving. This is a stressful time in which we try to pretend we like our family members all of the time (rather than that we love our family members all of the time and like them at certain intervals). This is the time of the year when it is normal to grieve for losses, normal to feel like most of what we do is meaningless, like the earth is a barren gray wasteland (at least in the northern hemisphere) and totally normal to throw up our hands and ask God, “Why, why, why?”

Please, spreadsheet-photobic, listen to me.

Ms. Theologian thinks you need to cultivate a little patience in this process, yes, process, not outcome, of discernment of avocation. It’s not an overnight thang, a girl thang, or a sex thang. It’s a process thing. Ms. Theologian could draw an analogy to sex, but she’s going to assume it’s fairly obvious.

You also are engaging in all or nothing thinking (for shame!). This sort of reasoning exaggerates everything creating, essentially a false dichotomy between choices. Along those lines, it’s as if you’re either going to find the PERFECT JOB or DIE FROM SPREADSHEET ABUSE.

Ms. Theologian is reminded of something her friend and artist, Beth Krumholz said, which was that essentially there are no paths for most of us. We see everyday how to live in Corporate America–go to college, suck up appropriately, get a “good” job, marry, breed, suck up more, etc. What if that’s not what we want? We never see alternative paths modeled. At least not in the mainstream media. But, Spreadsheet-phobic, these alternative paths are out there regardless.

Take a little step toward each of these passions that you’ve identified. Pick up a hobby that involves each of them. Explore how other people have used these hobbies. Some of the best professions are previous hobbies have turned into means to support oneself. Money comes. It does. They told Ms. Theologian that at the career planning center.

Be brave. Be honest. Be rigorous. You can do this.

xo

–Ms. Theologian

Just in case you’re curious, Belief-o-Matic can indicate your religious preference or nonpreference based on a mere twenty questions.

I’m apparently 100% Quaker and 95% a Unitarian Universalist, which is the tradition in which I was raised.

Wanna give it a try?

Dear Ms Theologian, Please tell me how to find my avocation.

Dear Searching for Avocation –

You ask a good question.

Ms. Theologian would like to tell you about a sermon by Victoria Safford in 1991. She said that an avocation exists at the intersection of your greatest passion and the world’s greatest need.

Assuming that people in Africa aren’t your greatest passion (and we’ll throw in spreadsheets as well), these are the questions you have to answer:

What is your greatest passion?

What are the needs of the world?

Where is this intersection?

Full avocated, though often underpaid,

Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian –My husband and I are considering having children. Do we tell anybody that we’re actively trying, once we are? (We’re not now.)

Dear Not Active –

First, Ms. Theologian thanks you for bringing images of rutting to mind before 9 a.m.

Second, while she is spectacularly unqualified to comment on this issue, she will nevertheless press on into previously unexplored theological territory. She welcomes comments from those who are more qualified.

This seems primarily an issue of community and of boundaries. She is not sure anyone needs to know that you’re actively trying to have children, though for some reason parents seem comforted by this concept (Why? Probably because it is essentially family-building, which is community-building).

Once you conceive, you might consider telling people closest to you, simply for advice (if you want it) and support and community (if you need it). Once you start to show or post-three-month-mark (or once you and your doctor have less of a concern about miscarriages), you might consider telling work folks, if your work environment is a supportive caring place that won’t lay you off (see earlier letter from Happy and Unemployed). The classic advice is to put off this moment of divine revelation at work as long as possible, but, as you point out, if you are leaving meetings to vomit or carrying around Saltine packages, it may become rather obvious.

If you would like, Ms. Theologian will speculate about your womb and its carrying capacity, just for the hell of it.

–Ms. Theologian Sans Bulge

Dear Ms. Theologian:I have a great job. I swear. Here’s the only problem—we love meetings. We meet in the morning to discuss our goals and then teams meet off and on throughout the day. I rarely have enough actual work time between meetings. What to do?

Dear Alienated–

Ms. Theologian apologizes for the delay in responding. While you were in meetings, she was on vacation. She regrets that you were not on vacation too.

Changing workplace culture is difficult and some workplaces benefit from a great deal of collaborative work. Ms. Theologian thinks that fundamentally an all-meeting all-the-time workplace must be run by fear–fear that if we are left alone to do work, we’ll fail at it. (Ms. Theologian has entertained herself at these meetings by kicking her coworkers during a modified coffee drinking game (Ha! The boss said “synergy” again. Chug!) and making obscene stick figure drawings. Neither of these made her a deeper human being.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ms. Theologian has two ideas for you, Alienated.

1. First, she suggests finding a way to address the underlying fear. Build a product, design a package, solve a problem, do something in off-meeting time to demonstrate to those in power that time outside of meetings is productive. Then do it again. And again. In sort of a public way so that people know that non-meeting time is still productive time.

2. Second, print out your schedule in Outlook (or make a table of your schedule) to demonstrate to your boss how much of your time is spent in meetings. Present some solutions (to meet biweekly for some meetings, to combine other meetings, to opt out of some meetings that require your presence less).

How are these theological solutions? They both address the underlying issue of the workplace, fear, as well as your own spiritual needs for community and independence.

–Ms. Theologian

Dear Ms. Theologian:In my workplace (a clean upper crusty sort of place) some of the women insist on peeing while squating over the toilet. How do I know this? I see their urine on the seat. This irritates me to death! Any suggestions?

Dear Irked:

Ms. Theologian knows women who only pee standing up. Their moms told them it was unhygenic to sit. Their moms actually knew little about public health, but at least they cared.

Upon reflection, Ms. Theologian realizes this is a classic example of rights vs. responsibilities in a community. It’s a common debate in our society, though it’s under the surface. These individuals feel they have the right to a stand-up pee. But they neglect the responsibility to wipe the seat upon finishing.

Since it bothers you so, Ms. Theologian suggests posting a large sign in the women’s room instructing women to wipe the seat. Ms. Theologian might volunteer to illustrate it.

–Yours in fear of urine,

Ms. Theologian

They just do.

This is one of the least satisfying answers to one of the most important theological questions of all time.

Clearly part of the problem with the question is the use of “bad” and “good,” which create a “false dichotomy” (one of the best phrases of all time to make self seem much smarter…). Should bad things happen to bad people? (Yes, of course they should, and I have a list of those folks…joking…sort of).

And part of the challenge of the question is whether or not you believe in God of some sorts and whether or not you believe God acts in your life (so that he/she/it could prevent something horrible from happening).

I wish I had a better answer to this question. Any suggestions?